Wednesday, August 20, 2014

News: Fourth-Grade Teacher Polishing Up Speech On This Not Being Third Grade Anymore

From The Onion.
Fourth-Grade Teacher Polishing Up Speech On This Not Being Third Grade Anymore

PALMYRA, PA—Saying it was important for her students to understand their increased expectations at the start of the new school year, Pine Street Elementary school teacher Veronica Potter reportedly spent Sunday evening putting the finishing touches on a speech that will inform her incoming class they are not in third grade anymore.

“Many of you are 10 years old now, and I expect you to act like it,” said Potter, rehearsing the speech that will emphasize how the students’ responsibilities will extend not just to academic performance, but to behavior and classroom participation as well.

“There’s going to be homework every night and we’re going to do several science units outdoors, which will require a lot of focus. You may have gotten away with excuses or outbursts last year, but this is fourth grade now. Okay?”

Sources confirmed that Potter, worried about overwhelming her students too much on the first day, later revised her speech to put more emphasis on the spring field trip to Gettysburg.

Things We Wanked To Before We Had Access To Porn

From The Frisky:

"Before the invention of the world wide web, before we even knew porn existed, you best believe we were masturbating. And in a lot of creative ways. We feel bad for the young people today who can just log onto their computers and have a world of whack off materials with a single click. 'Back in the olden days,' we'll brag to our kids, 'we had to use our imaginations to stimulate our genitals'."

LATE NIGHT SKINEMAX MOVIES
If you were fortunate enough to grow up in a house with cable, and were doubly blessed to have it in your bedroom, you made excuses to stay in on Saturday nights and wait until everyone was sleeping to watch movies like Hard Ticket to Hawaii or Gas Pump Girls on Cinemax.

THE SIMS
"I would force my Sims characters to have sex in the kitchen and then masturbate to the blurred out image and chirping Sims sex sounds." --Anonymous

JC PENNEY'S/SEAR CATALOGS
Full coverage bras, control top underwear and girdles. Mmmmnnnn. But seriously. Hot, young juniors in the Sears catalogue in their PANTIES! A young man's paradise!

ROMANCE NOVELS
Christopher Pike books, some weird subscription romance novels that were delivered to my house/purchased for a dime at a garage sale, my grandmother's copy of Lucky Chances by Jackie Collins or any VC Andrews paperback. The sex scenes from these were all on the wank list.

HUMAN ANATOMY BOOKS
"My friend's dad was a doctor and he had an illustrated anatomy book in his study. We found the page with penises and vaginas and then I would go home and touch myself and think about it." -- Anonymous

THE SPICE CHANNEL
Even if you didn't get it, you could still sometimes hear the sounds of sex and moaning through the scrambled signal if you sat close to the TV. That was enough.

LINGERIE CIRCULARS
You stared the pictures until you were certain you could make out a faint nipple or bush through the fabric.


(See the rest here.)

What other ways did we find to take care of business?

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