Friday, November 22, 2013

Report: Employers Created 40,000 New Jobs For Existing Employees Last Month

Ain't it the truth? From The Onion.
Report: Employers Created 40,000 New Jobs For Existing Employees Last Month

Nov. 20, 2013

WASHINGTON—In a promising development for the nation’s workforce, a report released Wednesday by the U.S. Department of Labor shows that employers created approximately 40,000 new jobs, additional responsibilities, and miscellaneous tasks for their existing employees last month.

“Despite unwavering unemployment figures, I’m proud to report that private sector companies continue to add many, many new jobs to their employees’ workloads,” Labor Secretary Thomas Perez told reporters, saying that managers and supervisors across the country are actively increasing the number of commitments and obligations expected of their staff.

“In every industry, companies are drastically increasing the amount of work that needs to be completed, as well as tacking on thousands of assignments previously performed by departed employees.

In many cases, we are even finding that employers have brought on several unpaid interns to share in the abundance of job duties.”

Perez noted that, as an added benefit, the increase in the amount of work being performed by the nation’s jobholders has enabled these same individuals to accumulate millions of hours of unpaid overtime.

Creative Movie Dialogue Edits Of The Day

Bad edits of swear words. Further proof that some movies just don't belong on network TV.


CASINO

Original: “Fuck me? Fuck you, you motherfucker!”
Edit: “Forget me? Forget you, you mother forgetter!”

Original: "Fuck you! Fuck you, Sam Rothstein! Fuck you!
Edit: "Freak you! Freak you, Sam Rothstein! Freak you!"

THE BREAKFAST CLUB

Original: “Do you slip her the hot beef injection?”

Edit: “Did you slip her the hot wild affection?”

VACATION

Original: “Fuck yo mama!”

Edit: “Man, who do I look like, Christopher Columbo?”

THE USUAL SUSPECTS

Original: “Hand me the keys, you fucking cocksucker!”

Edit: “Hand me the keys, you fairy godmother!” or "Hand me the keys, you fuzzy sock-sucker!"

DO THE RIGHT THING

Original: “Motherfucker”

Edit: “Mickey Fickey”


THE BIG LEBOWSKI

Original: “This is what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass!”

Edit: “This is what happens when you fight (or find) a stranger in the Alps” or “This is what happens when you pump a stranger’s gas”

THE BLUES BROTHERS

Original: "I wasn't lying. I was bullshittin'."
Edit: "I wasn't lying. I was bamboozlin'."

LIAR LIAR

Original: "All right, I admit it. I fucked her brains out."
Edit: "All right, I admit it. I kissed her brains out."

THE EXORCIST

Original: “Your mother sucks cocks in Hell, Karras, you faithless slime.”

Edit: “Your mother sews socks that smell, you faithless slime.”


SNAKES ON A PLANE

Original: “Enough is enough! I have had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane!”

Edit: “Enough is enough! I have had it with these monkey-fighting snakes on this Monday to Friday plane!”

THELMA & LOUISE

Original: "Suck. my. dick."
Edit: "Clean. my. clock."

SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT

Original: "You sumbitch!"
Edit: "You scum-buzzard!"

SCARFACE

Original: “Where’d you get the beauty scar, tough guy? Eatin’ pussy?”
Edit: “Where’d you get the beauty scar, tough guy? Eatin’ pineapple?”

Original: “This town like a great big pussy just waiting to get fucked”

Edit: “This town like a great big chicken just waiting to get plucked.”


DIE HARD

Original:“Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker!!!”

Edit: “Yippee-ki-yay, Mr. Falcon!!!” or "Yippee-ki-yay, melon farmer!"

LETHAL WEAPON

Original: "We bury the fuckers!"
Edit: "We bury the funsters!"

THE GODFATHER

Original: "I don't want my brother coming out of there with just his dick in his hands."
Edit: "I don't want my brother coming out of there with just a stick in his hands."

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