Monday, July 22, 2013

News: Not-That-Important Employee Snatches Best Donut In Box

From The Onion.
Not-That-Important Employee Snatches Best Donut In Box

FORT WAYNE, IN—Employees at Sapphire Business Solutions expressed their collective outrage Friday at the brazen conduct of sales associate Isaac Schuler, a largely unimportant staffer who’s only been with the company for maybe a month and who had the gall to take the best donut in the box for himself.

As recounted by multiple office sources, the easily dispensable Schuler took the premium donut after a selection of complimentary pastries, bagels, and beverages were made available in the office breakroom.

His coworkers went on to confirm that Schuler, an employee who could be fired today and nobody would notice or care, did not deserve the prized confection.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” said senior product developer Roger Lindquist, upon learning that Schuler, whose first name he didn’t know until he took the pastry, had shamelessly snatched the sole Boston cream from the box of free donuts.

“I’ve been busting my ass here for eight years, and this asshole comes in off the street and thinks he’s automatically entitled to whatever donut he can get his hands on? He hasn’t earned that right, not by a long shot.”


Food On My Dog (Of The Day)

This is Tiger and she's a good sport. Her owner assures us that she gets to eat nearly everything she holds on her head. If it's something bad for her, like a donut, she gets a treat instead.

From this site. Thanks, Bianca Deacon, for the link.

See more at Food On My Dog.

Quiz: Doobie Brothers' Lyric or Line From 50s Hygiene Manual Written By Angry Person Who Got Fired? (Of The Day)

From McSweeney's.
Declarative Doobie Brothers’ Lyric or Instructional Line from a First Draft of a 1950s Hygiene Manual Written By an Angry Person Who Got Fired?

by  Jeff Johnson

1. Oh, oh, listen to the music.

2. Gently pull back the foreskin. Now douse everything you see with industrial-grade bleach.

3. Pour melted butter inside each ear canal. Then look out the window. But not like that.

4. Take this message to my brother.

5. Eat more carrots. Eat them as if you believed they would actually help you be less awkward in social situations.

6. Keep on shinin’ on me.

7. Keep acting like a complete pussy.

8. Pretty mama take me by the hand.

9. You go on leavin’ out your heart.

10. Anyone you know as a cousin should wear a bra. No exceptions. Especially, your cousin Albert. He’s always coming over and leering, from the sofa, at every woman he sees. And spilling popcorn. Smaller handfuls would help with that, but then you realize we’re talking about Albert. He’s the greediest pile this side of the Alamo.

11. You’re talkin’ about China Grove.

12. You won’t get anywhere by giving your pimples the evil eye in the bathroom mirror. And let’s face it, they’re not pimples, they’re sores.

13. Give me the beat, boys.


Related Posts with Thumbnails