Wednesday, July 3, 2013

News: Fossilized Evidence Reveals Spazosaurus Was Largest Doofus To Ever Roam Earth

From L'Onion.
Fossilized Evidence Reveals Spazosaurus Was Largest Doofus To Ever Roam Earth

July 2, 2013

MOAB, UT—U.S. paleontologists have reportedly unearthed a nearly intact skeleton of a Spazosaurus, an extraordinary discovery providing evidence indicating that the awkward, uncoordinated, and peculiar creature was the largest doofus to ever roam the earth.

Preston Hopkins, the lead paleontologist at the excavation site, analyzed the fossilized remains and attributed the skeleton’s stooped posture, gangly neck, and misshapen skull with a significant overbite to that of a Spazosaurus. 

In addition, Hopkins said the discovery would yield a wealth of new information on the anatomy and behavior of the massive prehistoric dork.

“Not only is the perfectly preserved specimen astounding in size and scope, but it drastically expands our knowledge of the incredibly lame species,” said Hopkins, adding that physical remains showed that the gawky biped stumbled around on two legs, drooled excessively, and suffered from an uncontrollable twitch. 

“Further examination of the limbs also supports the theory that the Spazosaurus was tremendously weak and nervously flailed about its withered arms like a total jackass,” added Hopkins.

(read more)

Pop Culture References I Have To Stop Using Because Nobody Under 35 Gets My Goddamn Jokes Anymore

Getting old sucks.

My pop-culture references that meet with blank stares from people who think MTV was the first TV channel.

The Honeycomb Hideout


Archie & Edith

Foster Brooks
Evel Kneivel

"Real cola taste, just one calorie, TAB!"

"Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee!"

Battle of the Network Stars

Robert Conrad losing his temper on Battle of the Network Stars

Lynda Carter's nipples on Battle of the Network Stars

"Pret-ty sneaky, sis."

Pickin' & grinnin'

"An-a one, an-a two..."

8-tracks & 45s

Billie Jo McAllister

Airplane '79

"The world's a big blue marble when you see it from out there...."
Bubble-gum cigarettes

Stretch Armstrong


Koogle flavored peanut butter

"Sit on it"

The Night The Lights Went Out In Georgia

The crying Indian (nobody said "native American" back then) in the pollution PSA

A CBS special presentation
Checkers, the First Dog

"They work for me. My name is Charlie."

Three-Mile Island


"Good night, John Boy"

D. B. Cooper


"Hey Mikey! He likes it!"

"Who wears short shorts? We wear short shorts!"

Roots/Kunta Kinte/Chicken George

ABC Afterschool Special


"Wouldn't you like to be a Pepper too?" 

The Jackson Five and The Osmonds

"They call me Yuk-Mouth, 'cuz I don't brush. How's about a little kiss?"

Mrs. Ha-Wiggins
"Hooray! I'm for the udder team."

Steve McGarrett, Dano, Chin Ho, Wo Fat



The Child Catcher (shudder)

The JC Penney catalog with the guy's weiner showing on the men's underwear page

Sgt. Stedanko

The Munich Olympics

The DeFranco family - "Heartbeat, It's a Love Beat"

"Up ya nose with a rubber hose!"

"I was just standin' over here by the tomatoes, and here he come, right out of the pole beans, nekkid as a jaybird!"


"Your Windsong stays on my mind." 

Bigfoot vs. the Six Million Dollar Man

Scut Farkas and his little toadie, Grover Dill

"We're gonna zoom zoom zoom-a zoom..."

"I hanker for a hunk of, a slice a slab a chunk of, I hanker for a hunk of cheese."

Col. Potter, Hawkeye, Trapper John, Radar, Klinger & Hot Lips 

I could do this all day...


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