Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Things You Do In Your 20s That You'll Regret In Your 40s

Good advice from COED magazine. Great advice, actually. Read it and believe it, younguns. Trust me on this.

Old timers: what would you add to this list?


She was so smokingly hot, your F’ing crotch could’ve spontaneously combusted at any moment. And the fact that she was untouchable -- lest you ruin the entire friendship you and your best buddy had built up since you were six -- made her all the more desirable. But one day, they broke up. And all of a sudden, you were spending your days holding hands and helping her pick out duvet covers. You and “that asshole” Mr. Ex stopped talking. Time goes by. Then some afternoon you come home to find her blowing a guy from the laundromat.


The piercing you either got at the mall or did in your friend Tim’s basement with a safety pin just wasn’t cool enough, so you switched to 16-gauge hoops, then to 14, and before you knew it, you’ve shoved the biggest g*ddamn thing that doesn’t look like it will give you herpes through your ear lobe like you’re from f**king Ethiopia. But beware: once you’ve finally decided to take out the massive disks in your ears, your lobes will be so stretched, you’ll have to have them sew-up to keep from looking like you have a shriveled butt hole on each ear.


Americans all seem to be addicted to screwing ourselves over by constantly buying stupid shit we can't afford. It might seem harmless at the moment, when your biggest commitment in life is getting drunk and/or laid, but someday when you have a family to support and sending your kids to college is suddenly slopped on your plate, you’re going to be eating a giant sh!t sandwich.


You meet the woman of your dreams. You spend all your time with her; she gets all your jokes. And pretty soon, she’s on the pill and you’re living under the same roof, picking out paint for the dining room, secretly wondering what the hell happened to your manhood. Before you know it, you’re d*ck deep in webcam girl bills and pleated khakis.


If you didn’t know smoking kills you by now, then you probably deserve whatever fate becomes you. Whatever. The thing the never-smokers don’t understand is, smoking is good for the soul, dammit! (Unfortunately, you only think that because you’re addicted to nicotine.) But unless you’re some type of endlessly-going genetic anomaly, THIS SH!T WILL KILL YOU.


It’s hard to realize when you’re 21, but the time for whisking off to foreign lands with nothing to worry about besides which awesome thing to see next quickly evaporates. Before you know it, you’re still in the same place you were seven years before, but with too many responsibilities to get away with jetting off to India for six months, just for the hell of it. 

(List continues at COED magazine)

Graceful Cat Of The Day

Ouch. Thanks, Bianca Deacon, for the link.


DIY Pop Culture Halloween Costumes Of The Day

Now is the time to get crackin' on these, kiddies. From Flavorwire (where you can see more of these if you still need ideas).


Why come up with your own pop-culture mashup costumes when 30 Rock already has you covered? Liz Lemon’s slow transformation into The Dark Knight’s Joker made for one of the funniest episodes of last season. How better to celebrate the show’s final season than to pay homage to one of its best moments?

Purple wool coat — $44,
Wet ‘n’ Wild Stoplight Red lipstick — $2,
Black Radiance Truly Black eyeliner — $2,
Wild Zombie wig — $20, Costume Kingdom


Oh, sure, at least someone you know will get his hands on a yellow hazmat suit, slap a Band-Aid across his nose, and show up at the party as Walter White. But you can do him one better — you can be Walter White of the future, the guy we’ve only glimpsed once in a flash-forward that kicked off Season 5 and colored our interpretation of the episodes to come.

Mens Carhartt Sherpa Lined Jacket in army green — $45, Super Casuals
Nerd Glasses — $4, Goggles and Glasses
Gray Halfling Mustache and Beard — $10, Totally Costumes
Scissors (for cutting beard to size)
Fake ID — check local listings

EVIL ABED (Community)

On the only day of the year when you might plausibly want to see what the Darkest Timeline has in store, transform yourself into Evil Abed and attempt to foil all of your companions’ best laid plans. Bonus: Easiest. Costume. Ever.

Mens black button-down shirt — $20, Amazon
Black felt — $3,
Spirit gum — $3, Party City

PYAT PREE (Game of Thrones)

There was plenty to creep us out in Game of Thrones Season 2, but the character we see in our nightmares is Pyat Pree, the warlock from Qarth who steals the khaleesi’s dragons. If you’re really committed to this costume, you’ll want to find someone to dress up as an identical Pyat Pree and freak people out all night by faux-replicating yourself. Just make sure you get that ghostly pallor right!

Lavender quilted robe — $75, Etsy
White mens T-shirt — $7, Jockey
Zombie gray makeup — $1, Wholesale Halloween Costumes
Manic Panic Lip Locked Lip Color in Lethal — $8,
Bald cap — $9, Halloween Express
Plush baby dragon — $10, Toys R Us


Were you surprised when Paul Kinsey returned this year, after a few seasons’ absence, as a full-on Hare Krishna with a terrible Star Trek script and a girlfriend willing to schtup Harry Crane to serve a higher purpose? We sure were. This Halloween, surprise your own friends and pay tribute to Paul by coming for the ladies and staying for the chants.

Mens mock turtleneck in beige — $29, Land’s End
White bed sheet — $11, Target
Mens white cotton scrub pants — $7, Tafford Uniforms
Bald cap — $9 at Halloween Express
Scissors (to cut a hole in the bald cap and pull a bit of your own hair through)
Sheaf of printer paper to carry around as your teleplay

CONSTANCE LANGDON (American Horror Story)

With all due respect (or, uh, whatever) to the bondage-suit rapist, the only American Horror Story character we’d want to dress up as is Jessica Lange’s murderous Southern belle. Call us crazy, but if we see someone on Halloween who thought it’d be a laugh to impersonate a fictional sex offender, we’re running the other way.

Vintage lavender flowered dress — $25, Etsy
Short, curly blonde wig — $19, AliExpress
15mm faux pearl stud earrings — $7, Claire’s
Cigarettes. Lots of ‘em.

And, of course, the costume that you'll be seeing a lot this Halloween...

HONEY BOO BOO (Here Comes Honey Boo Boo)

Hair and makeup: Keep your blush, lipstick, and eye shadow hot pink, and apply the longest false eyelashes you can find. Don't be shy about adding a little (or a lot) of glitter, either, especially around the eyes. For your hair, either opt for a larger-than-life wig with lots of bouncy curls, or do the style yourself by sleeping in sponge rollers. Finish with a teased up poof and loads of hair spray.

What to wear: Pageant dresses are all about sequins, puffy skirts, and tulle. Since the success of Toddlers & Tiaras, many are available in costume form — just remember your lace socks and patent leather heels.

Take it to the next level: Mix up some go-go juice (Red Bull and Mountain Dew) and wear a supersize crown.

Shopping list here.

HONEY BOO BOO, version 2

Another way to do Honey Boo Boo, courtesy of ReallyGraceful.



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