Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Misheard Lyrics Of The Day

Another one from the archives.

Some selections from The Archive Of Misheard Lyrics (, a site that invites readers to send in their misheard lyrics and any amusing details about the error. The URL is based on the frequently misheard lyrics of Jimi Hendrix's Purple Haze: "'scuse me, while I kiss the sky."

Here are 21 of my favorites.

Song: Addicted To Love by Robert Palmer 
Misheard Lyric: Might as well face it, you're a dick with a glove 
Correct Lyric: Might as well face it, you're addicted to love

Song: Centerfold by J Geils Band
Misheard Lyric: My anus is the center hole
Correct Lyric: My angel is a centerfold

Song: Losing My Religion by R.E.M. 
Misheard Lyric: Let's pee in the corner, let's pee in the spotlight... 
Correct Lyric: That's me in the corner, that's me in the spotlight... 

Song: Bohemian Rhapsody 
Misheard Lyric: The algebra has a devil for a sidekick, heeeee... 
Correct Lyric: Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me... 

Song: Summer Of '69 by Bryan Adams 
Misheard Lyric: Got my first real sex dream, I was five at the time, played it till my fingers bled, was the summer of '69 
Correct Lyric: Got my first real six-string, bought it at the five-and-dime, played it till my fingers bled, was the summer of '69 

Song: Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana 
Misheard Lyric: Here we are now, in containers... 
Correct Lyric: Here we are now, entertain us... 

Song: Blinded By The Light by Manfred Mann 
Misheard Lyric: Wrapped up like a douche, another rumor in the night 
Correct Lyric: Revved up like a deuce, another runner in the night  

Song: Livin' On A Prayer by Bon Jovi
Misheard Lyric: You got to hold on to what you got, it doesn't make a difference if we're naked or not 
Correct Lyric: You got to hold on to what you got, it doesn't make a difference if we make it or not  

Song: Gettin' Jiggy With It by Will Smith 
Misheard Lyric: Kick a chicken with it 
Correct Lyric: Gettin' jiggy with it  

Song: Blowin' In The Wind by Bob Dylan 
Misheard Lyric: The ants are my friends, they're blowin' in the wind, the ants are a-blowin' in the wind  
Correct Lyric: The answer, my friends, is blowin' in the wind, the answer is blowin' in the wind

Song: Mysterious Ways by U2  
Misheard Lyric: Shamu, the mysterious whale  
Correct Lyric: She moves in mysterious ways

Song: Ghostbusters by Ray Parker, Jr. 
Misheard Lyric: Who ya gonna call? Those bastards! 
Correct Lyric: Who ya gonna call? Ghostbusters! 

Song: Take Me Home, Country Roads by John Denver 
Misheard Lyric: West Virginia, mount yer momma 
Correct Lyric: West Virginia, mountain momma 

Song: Addicted To Love by Robert Palmer 
Misheard Lyric: Might as well face it, you're a dickhead in love 
Correct Lyric: Might as well face it, you're addicted to love

Song: Desperado by The Eagles 
Misheard Lyric: You've been downright offensive for so long now 
Correct Lyric: You've been out riding fences for so long now 

Song: Closer by Nine Inch Nails 
Misheard Lyric: I want a duck shaped like a triangle, you give a toaster to Bob 
Correct Lyric: I want to fuck you like an animal, you get me closer to God 

Song: We Build This City by Starship 
Misheard Lyric: We built this city on the wrong damn road 
Correct Lyric: We built this city on rock and roll

Song: My Hero by Foo Fighters 
Misheard Lyric: There goes my hero, he's old and hairy 
Correct Lyric: There goes my hero, he's ordinary 

Song: Can't Stop by Red Hot Chili Peppers 
Misheard Lyric: Can't stop the ferrets when they need foodCorrect Lyric: Can't stop the spirits when they need you

Song: Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap by AC/DC 
Misheard Lyric: Dirty deeds and they're done with sheep 
Correct Lyric: Dirty deeds and they're done dirt cheap 

Song: Like A Virgin by Madonna 
Misheard Lyric: Like a virgin, touched for the thirty-first time 
Correct Lyric: Like a virgin, touched for the very first time 

Song: Michelle by The Beatles 
Misheard Lyric: Michelle, Ma Bell, some say monkeys play piano well, play piano well 
Correct Lyric: Michelle ma belle, sont des mots qui vont très bien ensemble, très bien ensemble.

News: Jovial Man Apparently Unaware That He Works At Airport Burrito Restaurant

From The Onion:

Jovial Man Must Not Be Aware He Works At Airport Burrito Restaurant

September 1, 2012

DENVER—According to bewildered sources near gate B52 at Denver International Airport, the man cheerfully and energetically going about his tasks behind the counter of the Burrito Beach Mexican Grille must not be aware that he works at an airport burrito restaurant.

"Hi, there! Where you folks headed today?" said the jovial man, who, judging by his upbeat attitude and easy-going manner, has no idea that he is an adult human being making $7.64 an hour to serve a never-ending stream of agitated, ungrateful customers. 

"Orlando? I love Orlando!"

"You folks are going to have an absolute blast," the man continued over the screams of crying children and the intermittent drone of flight announcements, apparently forgetting that he wakes up at 5:30 a.m. and spends his entire shift interacting solely with people who want nothing more than to get food from him as fast as possible so they can be on their way. 

"Say hi to the dolphins for me!"

Travelers departing from terminal B this morning confirmed the man currently singing along to the horrendous soundtrack of top 40 hits assaulting the restaurant's loudspeakers has been observed chatting amiably and cracking jokes, as if his job didn't involve wrapping burrito after burrito for impatient customers who do not enjoy the food's taste and frequently complain about its price.

In addition, the man who spends 50 minutes every single morning finding a parking spot and then going through airport security before he can even clock-in for his mind-numbingly bleak job has reportedly requested high-fives from a number of children.

(continued here)

Product Of The Day: BIC Cristal For Her

So BIC has this pen that's made just for women, featuring an "elegant design" and "thin barrel to fit a woman's hand." Oh boy. As you can imagine, this is going over like a fart in church, and you know what that means: funny Amazon reviews.

A few reviews ranked Most Helpful on Amazon:

"I love BIC Cristal for Her! The delicate shape and pretty pastel colors make it perfect for writing recipe cards, checks to my psychologist (I'm seeing him for a case of the hysterics), and tracking my monthly cycle. Obviously, I don't use it for vulgar endeavors like math or filling out a voter application."

"Ask your husband for some extra pocket money so you can buy one today!"

"FINALLY-- a pen that I can use all month long! I use it when I'm swimming, riding a horse, walking on the beach and doing yoga. It makes me feel so feminine and pretty! It has given me soft skin and manageable hair and it has really given me the self-esteem I needed to start a book club and flirt with the bag-boy at my local market.

"My drawings of kittens and ponies have improved, and now that I'm writing my last name hyphenated with the Robert Pattinson's last name, I really believe he may some day marry me! I'm positively giddy."

"I bought these pens for the sleek design that is so suited to my weak, tiny hands. But immediately after they arrived, I began receiving emails from total strangers proposing to "en1arge" my "pens." How did they know???? This is TERRIFYING me!"

"My little brother turned into a unicorn after I lent him one, and my friend told me that a boy in her class grew fairy wings in the middle of a test."

"When my daughter reaches puberty, along with a slap across the face to remind her of the pain of being a woman, she will receive her first BIC Cristal For Her Ball Pen. What better gift could I give her on her path to true femininity?"

"I love the pretty colors and skinniness, but I'm only giving two stars because they're annoying. For one thing, they dot every "i" with a little heart. They also won't make periods at the ends of sentences; it's a question mark or exclamation point every time, also dotted with hearts--SUPER annoying."

"This product is fantastic for those days when my prose is suffering from that not-so-fresh feeling. It even fits conveniently in my purse, and I don't have to feel embarrassed if it accidentally falls out when I'm searching for the tight white pants I'm going to wear while horseback riding on the beach."

More here. Thanks, Julie Martin, for the link.

WTF? Twitter Pictures Of The Day

From Top On Day (huh?) and Molly's Mom.

More here.


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