Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Nightmare Playgrounds Of The Day

Where bad kids are sent to play. From Dark Roasted Blend.


Don't run off now, okay?


A cross between Jody the pig from
The Amityville Horror and the hedge animals that come to life in The Shining. Not scary at all.


You're in time out, mister. Five minutes in the monster's belly.


It's watching you.


"Mommy, my new dead friend Roger wants to know if I can live here with him forever and ever. Pleeeeeeease!"


This might sting a little.


"Will it hurt when you suck out all my blood, Mr. Cthulhu
?"
"Of course not, my dear. You won't feel a thing."



Every time you look away and then back, they're a step closer.


Careful, the slide is very slippery.


"Don't be scared, I've got candy in my mouth. Come closer, you'll see it."

(See more at Dark Roasted Blend)

News Of The Day: Man Defeats Ankle Monitor With Fake Leg

I got a kick out of this story. From whptv.com.



Man defeats ankle monitor by removing fake leg


UNITED KINGDOM — Two members of staff at a British private security firm have been sacked after an electronic tag was put on an offender's false leg, the company said today.

Christopher Lowcock, 29, wrapped his prosthetic limb in a bandage and fooled G4S staff who failed to carry out the proper tests when they set up the tag and monitoring equipment at his Rochdale home.

Lowcock could then simply remove his leg - and the tag - whenever he wanted to breach his court-imposed curfew for driving and drug offences, as well as possession of an offensive weapon.

A second G4S officer who went to check the monitoring equipment also failed to carry out the proper test.

Managers became suspicious last month, but when they returned to the address a third time, Lowcock had already been arrested and was back in custody accused of driving while banned and without insurance.

Vids Of The Day: Queen's "Days Of Our Lives"

A couple of clips from the Queen documentary, "Days Of Our Lives," some of which I caught the other night on the Biography Channel. They'd better air it again so I can watch the whole thing--it was fascinating.

Queen meets the Sex Pistols. Sparks fly.



Brian May and Roger Taylor explain how "We Will Rock You/We Are The Champions" came to be.



What the clip doesn't explain (but the show does) is that much of this arrogance was a response to brutal reviews from "asshole critics," one of whom called Freddie a "prat" (ass). Says Roger Taylor: "Fuck 'em."


Tuesday, August 30, 2011

School Fails Of The Day

From DRSJF and failblog.org.























More here.


Vid Of The Day: Monster Truck Tug Of War

I think we have a winner.



Movie Trailer Of The Day: Machine Gun Preacher

I'd see it. I like movies where wimps and ne'er-do-wells decide to take out the tampon and start kicking ass.



News Of The Day: I Bet He Was Texting, Too

From Keith and The Smoking Gun.



59-Year-Old Guy Busted For Driving, Drinking Beer, Having Sex At Same Time

August 24, 2011--Meet George Howard.

The Kentucky man was arrested early this morning after police spotted his 2006 Ford swerving across the road in a Louisville suburb. At one point, the vehicle collided with the curb, almost causing an accident.

Cops say that Howard, 59, was having difficulty controlling the auto because he was simultaneously driving, drinking a beer, and having sex with his 53-year-old female passenger (whose head was buried between Howard’s legs).

Howard, pictured in the mug shot above, copped to having sex while driving, according to a Jefferstown Police Department report. An officer reported spotting Howard drinking a beer prior to a traffic stop. A subsequent Breathalyzer test recorded his blood alcohol content at .152, nearly twice the state’s .08 limit.

Howard’s companion, who was not arrested, tried to hide a beer under her dress as police approached.

When Howard exited the car, “his pants fell to the ground,” police reported.

Booked for drunk driving, wanton endangerment, and reckless driving, Howard was released from jail late this afternoon.

"The Moment I Knew" Stories Of The Day

From The Huffington Post:


Was there a moment you knew your marriage was over? The split-second you saw the writing on the wall--even if you didn't acknowledge as much until later? We put the question to the Twitter-verse and collected our favorite responses below (and the most surprising--who knew bacon could figure in the demise of a lifelong union?)




























More here.

How about you? When did you know?

Monday, August 29, 2011

Tough Guys With a Soft Side Of The Day

When you mention "tough guys," there are certain names and faces that come to mind. What you may not know is that most so-called tough guys also have a softer side. ~posted by Daisy

For example, did you know that every morning Bruce Willis likes to take a long soak in his hot tub with his pet baby ducks? He seems to feel a sort of kinship with them.


"Yippie-Kai-Yay, brother duckies!"

Al Pacino won't go anywhere without his new puppy, and he wants everyone to meet him.


"Say hello to my little friend."

Most people don't know that tough guy Clint Eastwood owns a flower shop. Imagine opening the door and finding Clint standing there with a bouquet of flowers for you.

"Do you feel lucky? Do you? Because I'm gonna
go ahead and make your day."


Chuck Norris has a penchant for all things Hello Kitty.


Marlon Brando was the ultimate tough guy in The Godfather, but you might have seen his softer side if you ever watched him play a game of cards with his grandchildren.


Steven Seagal may be convincing as a tough guy in the movies and on TV, but in real life he is cheerful and mellow.

"I don't have rage. I'm a happy guy.
You see this face? This is a happy face."


Who knew that Arnold Schwarzenegger had a weakness for petits fours?

"I love these fancy little baby cakes.
Hasta la vista baby cakes!"


Last but not least, Mr. T.

"Shut up, fool!"

News Of The Day: Newlyweds Busted For Shoplifting $1049 In Groceries

From The Smoking Gun.

Newlyweds Busted Trying To Shoplift $1049 In Groceries For Their Wedding Reception



(August 25, 2011) A Pennsylvania couple married a week ago allegedly attempted to shoplift more than $1000 of merchandise from a supermarket--items they planned to use for their wedding reception last Friday afternoon.

Brittany Lurch, 22, and Arthur Phillips, 32, were arrested after trying to walk out of a Wegmans with goods valued at $1,049.26, according to the Patton Township Police Department. The newlyweds, pictured in the above mug shots, were collared after wheeling the hot merchandise out of the store in two shopping carts to their waiting Hyundai.

Phillips told arresting officers that the merchadise was “for their wedding reception” later that afternoon, according to a criminal complaint excerpted here.

Lurch, a mother of two, and Phillips were wed a day earlier, on August 18.

While the complaint does not provide an itemized list of goods boosted from Wegman’s, a cop reported that, “the suspects had ordered numerous items from the seafood department.”

A source familiar with the items found in the couple’s carts told TSG that the stolen merch included a shrimp platter ($115); two spiral hams ($70); a vegetable tray ($50); appetizer trays; eggs; a punch bowl; forks; spoons; soda; dinnerware for eight; turkey; toothbrushes; a polo shirt; and Gillette Fusion razor blades.

Before bonding out, the newlyweds briefly lived under the same roof at the Centre County jail, where they were booked on misdemeanor theft and receiving stolen property charges.

Great Moments In Hurricane Irene Coverage Of The Day (video)

Storms bring out the best in people, don't they?

Dude. Try some decaf.



I love this one.



Mics are expensive. Reporters can be replaced. From Daisy.



Spidey's good but I like the guy at 2:15.



Hurricane Areola



From Laura G. (NSFW)



Um, yeah, they call that toxic waste, guy. Best YouTube comment: "You have died of dysentery."



Friday, August 26, 2011

Weekend Links Of The Day

Good stuff for you. From you.



A classic from Laura.

And then he said that. From DRSJF.

Dumbest warning labels ever. From Mandy.

You've got something on your pants - from Michelle

Woodwoman found someone to paint your portrait.

The new Macbook Air? - from Jennifer-Dove

50 ways to bore, irritate or confuse your man, from Sheila.

I don't remember this song (thankfully) but TheMovieGuru does. He says it gets really good at 1:40... if you can stand her grating voice that long. Headband guy FTFW!

Sea cats. From Holly.

Boobs Don't Work That Way. No, really, they don't. From Emmi. (NSFW-ish)

Ummm. Hmm. Well. From Jennifer C.

10 movie remakes that aren't terrible. From Popbitch.

Which football team should you root for? Wendy can help.

A conversation I will never have with my daughter. I wasn't even there and it made me uncomfortable. From Prairie Girl.

"What do you get when you cross the Apple Store with Chuck E. Cheese? The Microsoft Store of course. I don't know what's funnier: The general ennui of the customers or, as many have pointed out, the woman in white who seemingly shoplifts at app. 2:15. Big fun." - From Mr. Minimac.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

8 Types Of People Who Forward E-Mails

Some from Maxim.com, some are mine.

E-mail forwards are the herpes of the internet world. And just like in your everyday life, it's important to pin point who has herpes, so that you can avoid them. In an effort to help you do that, we've put together a list of the worst kinds of e-mail forward offenders.

Mr. Over-The-Top Gross Porno Sender



We all have an internet porn comfort zone. On average it encompasses everything from just regular boobies to a girl gagging on a heavy-duty wiener while getting rear-ended by another dude. Anything past that just isn't wholesome to most people. This person, however, has no porn conscience, so he has no problems occasionally e-mailing you disturbing videos hidden under harmless titles. It's best to just block his e-mails entirely, because curiosity didn't just kill the cat, it arrested the pedophile. Usually the porn starts out fairly normal, then quickly gets bizarre, causing this thought process as you watch it; "OK.....OK...Nice ... Nice. ... Ah Yeah .... this is hot! Eat those pastries, eat tho- NO! OH GOD NO. WHAT THE? DELETE! DELETE! DELETE!."

Mrs. LOL 2 FUNNY!!!!!!!!!!!



I think whoever invented the exclamation point, Horatio Exclamationpoint or whoever, if they saw how it was being used now, they'd drive the first sharp object they could find through their chest. This person though, is not just excited to forward you a paragraph-and-a-half joke with a punch line you see coming from the first sentence, they're 12 exclamation points excited. Usually this e-mail is forwarded to about 47 other people, so at least take solace in the fact that 46 other people think this person is retarded.

Mr. Conspiracy Theorist



This guy scours the internet looking for the truth. Not the "logical and fact-based truth," but the REAL truth. Somehow, the CIA just up and forgets to conceal documents and then these documents are available on websites, which this person then sends to you with the subject line "WAKE UP BRO." Inside the e-mail he says things like "You actually think AIDS is real? The CIA created AIDS in a lab and shipped it to Africa to try and stop us from losing long distance running events in the Olympics." Then when you respond with "Yeah, but the website link you sent me also had footage of Bigfoot working at the Olive Garden," they come back with "Well, that article is fake, but the rest of them are real."

Mrs. "Hey Check Out This Evite!"



The act of sending an E-vite is both an invitation and a test. For girls, it's a test of friendship. For guys, it's a test of your manhood, and if you have ever sent an E-vite, then you failed that test. E-vites often cost you time and stress when trying to decide whether to attend. Luckily, E-vites come with a built in solution: The "Maybe" button. Stop trying to make a decision and use this every time. The other thing you should know about E-vite is that every time you view the invitation, the host knows it. Meaning they know you opened it and didn't respond about coming to their baby shower.

The Inspirational Poem From Your Mom



For most people, the internet was created for porno, a forum to misspell words, and to a lesser extent, information. But to your mom, the internet was created so that even when you're not around, she can let you know that you're incredibly special to her and that the sky is the limit through the sending of a shitty poem. Here's the thing: the sky is not the limit, and you realize that while you're sitting in a cubicle trying to figure out why you don't have the right version of Excel to open that TPS report you've been stuck doing for the last goddamn week. So, as you're dealing with this, when you receive a poem about a cat that ended up forging a relationship with a dog, it makes you want to throw your computer at a cat and kill it.

"Politics Is My Life" Guy



You know the type. They're like perverts, but instead of sex, everything leads back to politics. "Wanna go see
The Hangover tonight? No thanks, that movie glamorizes the victimization of the lower classes by organized gambling," they write. "How about dinner then? No can do -- I'm on a hunger strike against higher taxes." "Ball game? Sorry, I'll be at a tea party." Every e-mail they send and every Facebook and Twitter post they make is about one thing only: Mother. Fucking. Politics. Except when they write to ask if you happen to know how to make a pipe bomb.

Mrs. "IMPORTANT!! PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!!"



NEXT MONTH ALL CELL PHONE NUMBERS WILL BE MADE PUBLIC AND YOU WILL BE INUNDATED WITH SALES CALLS!!! WRITE CONGRESS NOW TO PROTEST THIS NEW LAW!! FORWARD THIS E-MAIL AND MAKE MONEY... BILL GATES WILL GIVE U A DOLLAR FOR EVERY FORWARD... MY FRIEND SENT ME THIS SECRET RECIPE FOR MRS. FIELD'S COOKIES.. etc etc. She falls for 'em all. "This is not a hoax! It was on Jay Leno!!"

Mr. Welcome To The Web (a.k.a. Al)



"You gotta see this! Hilarious!" his e-mail subject proclaims, and in the body he writes, "Seen this yet? Funniest thing ever!" Then you open the attached video and it's the Star Wars kid or the Numa-Numa guy or a clip from
Birth Of A Nation. My buddy TheMovieGuru and I have a name for this kind of e-mail: we call it "Al," as in Gore, the guy who invented the internet, as in, "This vid/link/photo/etc. is so ancient, it's one of the first things Al Gore put on the internet after he invented it." I'll send him something I think is new and he'll reply, "Thanks, Al." Then he'll send me something even older and I'll reply, "Thanks, Al's great-great-grandfather."

Who are we missing?

LinkWithin

Related Posts with Thumbnails