Monday, November 29, 2010

Craigslist Ad Of The Day: Dear Neighbor

Another classic (i.e. old) one, since Best of Craigslist won't update their damn page.

best of craigslist > allentown >

Dear Neighbor

Date: 2009-08-10, 9:42AM EDT

Dear Neighbor,

Why do you insist upon mowing your fucking lawn at 8 AM?

At least once a week I wake up to hear your lawnmower revving away right outside my fucking window. Your whole lawn is shaded by your house and that huge tree, so I have to hear you stall the thing at least 12 times.


I get home from work at 4 AM only to awaken hours later to the sound of a weedwacker coming from next door. Closing the windows doesn't help. Putting the pillow over my head doesn't work. You could probably hear your mower in space.

Your lawn looks like ass anyway. Why even mow the damn thing? The potted plants you bought in May are still sitting, unplanted of course, in their original resting place, which appears to be a framed horseshoe pit in the center of your yard. There are a couple of oversized, azure synthetic drums out there that accent the always stylish, black rubber indoor/outdoor mats that tastefully adorn your back porch.

For the love of God! The place looks like it belongs in Gummo. The only thing missing is a trailer, four screaming brats, a car up on cinder blocks and a couple mangy animals.

If I had enough Round-Up, I would turn the thing into a sandlot myself to save you the trouble when you finally come to your senses and make the switch.

I can't stand you. I can't stand your lawnmower. I can't stand your shitty old man tattoo that looks like a vulture from afar. I can't stand the way you push around your stalling lawnmower over your wet grass while wearing Jack Daniels pajama pants at 8 in the morning.

The last thing I need to see after four hours of sleep is some random old guy next door mowing his lawn without underwear.

I detest you. If I had a dog, I would let it into your lawn to shit.

TV's Beards Of Sadness Of The Day

Need to show that your TV character is in a rough patch? Give him a big ol' scraggly-ass beard.



The Bearded One: David Denham of The Office

Ditched The Razor: When you work in a warehouse, and your secretary girlfriend calls of the wedding to be with a salesman at a low-level paper company, you've basically mapped out your weight gain, beard and upcoming DUI right there.

Picked It Up Again: Roy kept the beard for the remainder of the time we saw him, but lost the unsightly weight in an effort to win back Jenna Fischer. In a word? FAIL.


The Bearded One: Justin Kirk of Weeds

Ditched The Razor: When Nancy (Mary-Louise Parker) fails to reciprocate his feelings for him, ditching to go be with a Mexican gangster instead. After all, who hasn't been there?

Picked It Up Again: More or less parodying the entire concept, Andy keeps the beard until everyone humiliates him enough to finally shave.


The Bearded One: Paul McCrane of ER

Ditched The Razor: After a close encounter with a helicopter's rotor blades during a med-evac, Dr. Romano's surgeries to re-attach his arm ultimately fail and he ditches his beloved limb for a prosthetic, adopting a sweet beard as part of the deal.

Picked It Up Again: Technically he never shaved it off, but he did lose the beard. Through fire. Because a helicopter landed on him. A different helicopter.


The Bearded One: Jonathan Frakes of Star Trek: The Next Generation

Ditched The Razor: Will Riker regularly groomed his sweet beard, but who has time for maintenance when alternate-reality Borg destroy the entire Federation and your ship-in-tatters gets pulled into a meeting of Enterprises in another dimension? That Leonidas-style beard was the only friend he had left in all that madness. And it was madness.

Picked It Up Again: Whoops. He exploded.


The Bearded One: Matthew Fox of LOST

Ditched The Razor: Possibly the King of Sadness Beards, the good doc takes to pills and the bottle in the wake of "Jeremy Bentham's" death, realizing Locke was right to insist that the survivors return to the Island.

Picked It Up Again: Presumably to avoid the security inquiry of trying to make the returning flight with that beard. That, or the Island itself might have collapsed under the weight of his mammoth chin-Wookiee.


The Bearded One: Mr. Smithers of The Simpsons

Ditched The Razor: Fired for his objections to Mr. Burns plans to both steal candy from a baby, and steal sunlight from Earth (quite a difference in scale), Smithers takes to the bottle and worries in his drunken stupor and attempts to watch Comedy Central he might have accidentally shot his beloved boss.

Picked It Up Again: Smithers found himself shaven clean and vindicated by his news-interview reference of the very program he watched at the time of the shooting, and his uncovering of the real killer...a baby. Yep.


The Bearded One: Adrian Pasdar of Heroes

Ditched The Razor: After a mysterious "whoopsie-daisy" of waking up in a hospital, having evidently regenerated from his brother's nuclear explosion, Nathan decides to compliment his brother's loss, his senatorial career and his troublesome relationship with his family with a beard. Also, mirror-ghost visions of his burn-face. Oh, Heroes...

Picked It Up Again: Something about peering through a fence at his children with a scruffy beard just didn't sit right with anybody, thus his beard flew away.

(See the rest at

Dead Celeb Of The Day: Leslie Nielsen

Another good'un bites the dust. I wish we could pick the ones who got smote. Charlie Sheen's problems would be over.

'Airplane!', 'Forbidden Planet' actor Nielsen dies

LOS ANGELES – Despite decades spent playing sober commanders and serious captains, Leslie Nielsen insisted that he was always made for comedy. He proved it in his career's second act.

"Surely you can't be serious," an airline passenger says to Nielsen in "Airplane!" the 1980 hit that turned the actor from dramatic leading man to comic star.

"I am serious," Nielsen replies. "And don't call me Shirley.

"The line was probably his most famous — and a perfect distillation of his career.

Nielsen, the dramatic lead in "Forbidden Planet" and "The Poseidon Adventure" and the bumbling detective Frank Drebin in "The Naked Gun" comedies, died on Sunday in Fort Lauderdale, Fla. He was 84.

The Canada native died from complications from pneumonia at a hospital near his home, surrounded by his wife, Barbaree, and friends, his agent John S. Kelly said in a statement.

Critics argued that when Nielsen went into comedy he was being cast against type, but Nielsen disagreed, saying comedy was what he intended to do all along.

"I've finally found my home — as Lt. Frank Drebin," he told The Associated Press in a 1988 interview.

(story continues on Yahoo News)

Here's a clip from Nielsen's short-lived TV series, Police Squad!

German Ad of the Day: Kackel Dackel

The more you watch it, the funnier it gets.
- Bev


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