Friday, August 27, 2010

Asshole E-Mail Of The Day: Vintage Liquor

Original ad:

Collector looking for vintage scotch, rum, cognac, bourbon, etc. Willing to pay top dollar for fine bottles.

From Timmy Tucker to **********@**********.org 

Hey there! I saw your ad on ********** and have some "vintage" liquor you may be interested in.

I have about half a handle of Captain Morgan's Rum, a rare vintage rum from the Caribbean. I bought this at a liquor store on Long Island in 2007, and believe that its taste has really aged to perfection. I am willing to sell this for $300.

I also have a very rare bottle of Aristocrat Tequila. You can taste the fine vintage in every sip. I acquired it from a friend who says he bought it at a liquor store in Baltimore in 2005. You can really taste that southern atmosphere in this one! Due to its rarity, I will sell this for $500.

Also, if you are interested, I have about half a case of vintage Natural Ice beer. It was acquired from a frat party I was at about a month ago. This frat has a very old history with Syracuse, and that history came with the beer. It doesn't get much more vintage than this. I will part with this at $50 per can.

I really hate to see this stuff go, but after my third DUI, the court ordered me to do a program that involves me staying sober, so I think it is best that I part with this rare liquor.

Please let me know if you are interested. I have several other buyers lined up, so I will need to know very soon. 

From Evan ******* to Me 

You must be crazy to consider that bottom-end liquor "vintage." I am not interested and am insulted that you would even try to sell me such cheap liquor at such ridiculous prices. 

From Timmy Tucker to Evan ******* 

I am very disappointed that you are not interested in these vintage treasures. Every bottle and can I sell comes with priceless historic value. Please reconsider, because I don't think you will find an offer like this anywhere else. 

From Evan ******* to Me 

Are you nuts? You want to sell me beer you stole from a frat, that is a month old, for $50 a can? I am NOT INTERESTED. 

From Timmy Tucker to Evan ******* 

I did not steal that beer, and I resent the accusation. Please reconsider purchasing this. I am a recovering alcoholic, and fear that I will drink again if I am unable to get rid of this booze. Please do not make me drink again! 

From Evan ******* to Me 

Why don't you just throw the booze away? You have problems, man. 

From Timmy Tucker to Evan ******* 


100 Most Mispronounced Words & Phrases In The English Language

We've talked about these things here before, but this list has some hilarious entries. I mean, who the hell really says, "It's a blessing in the skies"?

From, which, unfortunately, is not my dictionary. I prefer

NO: affidavid
YES: affidavit
Even if your lawyer's name is ''David,'' he issues affidavits.

NO: athelete, atheletic
YES: athlete, athletic
Two syllables are enough for "athlete."

NO: bob wire
YES: barbed wire
No, this word wasn't named for anyone named ''Bob;'' it should be "barbed wire," although the suffix -ed, meaning ''having,'' is fading away in the U.S.

NO: Calvary
YES: cavalry
It isn't clear why we say, ''Mind your Ps and Qs'' when we have more difficulty keeping up with our Ls and Rs. Had there been a cavalry in Jesus' time, perhaps Calvary would not have been so tragic.

NO: card shark
YES: cardsharp
Cardsharps probably won't eat you alive, though they are adept at cutting your purse strings.

NO: chester drawers
YES: chest of drawers
The drawers of Chester is a typical way of looking at these chests down South but it misses the point.

NO: drownd
YES: drown
You add the [d] only to the past tense and past participle.

NO: expresso
YES: espresso
While I can't express my love for espresso enough, this word was borrowed from Italian well after the Latin prefix ex- had developed into es-.

NO: forte
YES: fort
The word is spelled "forte" but the [e] is pronounced only when speaking of music, as a "forte passage." The words for a strong point and a stronghold are pronounced the same: [fort].

NO: Heineken remover
YES: Heimlich maneuver
This term is mispronounced many different ways. This is just the funniest one we have heard. This maneuver (manoeuvre) was named for US surgeon Henry Jay Heimlich (1920- ).

NO: jewlery
YES: jewelry
The root of this word is "jewel" and that doesn't change for either "jeweler" or "jewelry." The British add a syllable: "jewellery" (See also its spelling.)

NO: libary
YES: library
As mentioned before, English speakers dislike two [r]s in the same word. However, we have to buck up and pronounce them all.

NO: mawv
YES: mauve
This word has not moved far enough away from French to assume an English pronunciation, [mawv], and should still be pronounced [mowv].

NO: mannaise
YES: mayonnaise
Ever wonder why the short form of a word pronounced "mannaise" is "mayo"? Well, it is because the original should be pronounced "mayo-nnaise." Just remember: what would mayonnaise be without "mayo"?

NO: nother
YES: other
Misanalysis is a common type of speech error based on the misperception of where to draw the line between components of a word of phrase. "A whole nother" comes from misanalyzing "an other" as "a nother." Not good. Not good.

NO: orientate
YES: orient
Another pointless back-formation. We don't need this mispronunciation from "orientation" when we already have "orient." (See also "interpretate")

NO: perculate
YES: percolate
Pronouncing this word as "perculate" is quite peculiar. (Also, remember that it means ''drip down'' not ''up.'')

NO: perscription
YES: prescription
Same as above. It is possible that we simply confuse "pre-" and "per-" since both are legitimate prefixes.

NO: prostrate
YES: prostate
Though a pain in the prostate may leave a man prostrate, the gland contains no [r].

NO: realator
YES: realtor
As you avoid the extra vowel in "masonry," remember to do the same for "realtor," the guy who sells what the mason creates.

NO: snuck
YES: sneaked
I doubt we will get "snuck" out of the language any time soon but here is a reminder that it really isn't a word.

NO: spade
YES: spay
You can have your dog spayed but so long as she is a good dog, please don't spade her.

NO: spitting image
YES: spit and image
The very spit of someone is an exact likeness. "The spit and image" or "spit image" emphasizes the exactness.

NO: supposably
YES: supposedly
Adding -ly to participles is rarely possible, so some people try to avoid it altogether. You can't avoid it here.

NO: take for granite
YES: take for granted
We do tend to take granite for granted, it is so ubiquitous. But that, of course, is not the point.

NO: volumptuous
YES: voluptuous
Some voluptuous women may be lumpy, but please avoid this Freudian slip that apprises them of it.

(See more here at

Vid Of The Day: Ponch Gets Tased

Now here's a reality show I could get behind -- Celebrity Tasering. I have a long list of candidates.

They should've turned down the voltage for the little guy, though.



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