Friday, January 29, 2010

Classic 80s Music Video Of The Day

What better way to kick off your weekend than with some vintage Lionel? They just don't make 'em like this anymore. Thank god. (Vid from Suzanne.)

And on a completely unrelated note, everyone please wish Siress Yorkie a happy birthday. She's also having a baby on Monday, so if you wanna take her out to celebrate, you'd best hurry.

Gnome Deaths Of The Day

Little fuckers get what they deserve.

Pics from Die Screaming With Sharp Things In Your Head

Didn't Mom tell you not to run with scissors?

A sprinkler a day helps keep gnomeys away

Here, Sneezy, these might help

Everything I tell Horst goes in one ear and out the other...

Do I have something in my eye?

Where's the men's room? I'm growing a tail!

I think he got the point, but just in case, let's run through it one more time

Oops, I just remembered, Doc didn't want corn

"Hey, don't pin this one on me," said Gunther.


Ax not what your gnome can do for you...

Talk about a brush with death

Fritz always fancied himself a hole-y man

Cleaver? I barely know her!

Blind Gossip Item Of The Day

Got this off Popbitch, a celeb gossip e-rag I receive. Any guesses? Not that any of us really gives two shits, but hey, it's Friday, and it's not like you're working.

News Of The Day: Another Apple Product Announcement

From The Borowitz Report.

January 29, 2010

New Device Absorbs Heavy Flow of Data, Says Jobs

CUPERTINO, CA - In the same week that it launched its much-touted iPad, Apple introduced its latest game-changer to the tech marketplace, a text-sharing device called the CoTex.

"There are a lot of texting devices out there that can absorb data," said Apple founder Steve Jobs. "But nothing absorbs more than a CoTex."

Mr. Jobs said that when used in conjunction with Apple's just-released mobile device, the AllWays StayFree, "the CoTex has what it takes to handle a heavy flow of information."

When asked about the flurry of new products that Apple has released at the end of January, Mr. Jobs mused, "I guess it's that time of the month."

Lost 70s Song Of The Day: Rockin'

Totally forgot about this one until I heard it on the radio the other day and knew all the lyrics without even thinking. They were squirreled away in some deep recess of my brain, I guess... the Useless Information Lobe, which is adjacent to the Repository Of Memories Of Past Sexual Encounters And Nudie Photos I've Seen.

Really Bad Strip Club Commercial Of The Day.

The shot of the guy throwing the $1 bills? That was the budget for this spot. I love the idea of buffets at strip clubs. Salad bar, potato bar, titty bar.


Bart Simpson's Crank Calls Of The Day

A complete list of Bart's crank calls to Moe's: the fake names and Moe's replies. From The Simpsons Archive.

BART: Phone call for Al...Al there an Al Coholic here?
MOE: Wait a minute... Listen, you little yellow-bellied rat jackass, if I ever find out who you are, I'm gonna kill you!

BART: Oliver Clothesoff! Call for Oliver Clothesoff!
MOE: Listen, you lousy bum, if I ever get a hold of you, I swear I'll cut your belly open!

BART: Uh, is I.P. Freely here?
MOE: Hey, everybody, I.P. Freely! Wait a minute... Listen to me you lousy bum. When I get a hold of you, you're dead. I swear I'm gonna slice your heart in half!

BART: Uh, Jacques Strap! Hey guys, I'm looking for a Jacques Strap!
MOE: Oh, wait a minute...Jacques Strap. It's you isn't it ya cowardly little runt? When I get a hold of you, I'm gonna gut you like a fish and drink your blood!

BART: Hey, is there a Butz here? Seymour Butz?
MOE: Hey, everybody, I wanna Seymour Butz! Oh, wait a minute... Listen, you little scum-sucking pus-bucket! When I get my hands on you, I'm gonna put out your eyeballs with a corkscrew!

BART: Mike Rotch! Mike Rotch! Hey, has anybody seen Mike Rotch lately?
MOE: Listen to me, you little puke. One of these days, I'm going to catch you, and I'm going to carve my name on your back with an ice pick!

MOE: Uh, hey, everybody! I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and big butt and my butt smells and I like to kiss my own butt. Oh, wait a minute...

BART: Uh, Hugh Jass?
MOE:Oh, somebody check the men's room for a Hugh Jass!
There is a Hugh Jass at Moe's; he takes the call

BART: Call for Bea O'Problem.
MOE: Bea O'Problem! Come on, guys, do I have a Bea O'Problem here?
BARNEY: "You sure do!"
MOE:'s you, isn't it? Listen, you. When I get a hold of you, I'm going to use your head for a bucket and paint my house with your brains!

BART: Uh, Amanda Huggenkiss?
MOE: Hey, I'm looking for Amanda Huggenkiss! Ah, why can't I find Amanda Huggenkiss?
BARNEY: "Maybe your standards are too high!"
MOE: You little S.O.B.! Why, when I find out who you are, I'm going to shove a sausage down your throat and stick starving dogs in your butt!

BART: Ivana Tinkle?
MOE: Ivana Tinkle? All right, everybody, put down your glasses, Ivana Tinkle!

At the school, as Moe substitutes for Mrs. Krabappel during the teachers' strike
MOE: OK, when I call your name, uh, you say "present." Ahem, Anita Bath?
The students in the classroom laugh
MOE: All right, settle down. Anita Bath here?
More laughs
MOE: All right, fine, fine. Maya Buttreeks!
Still more laughs
MOE: Hey, what are you laughing at? What? Oh, oh, I get it, I get it. It's my big ears, isn't it, kids? Isn't it? Well, children, I can't help that!
Moe runs out of the classroom crying as Bart crosses Moe's name off of a list of what are now former substitute teachers

Bart is calling Homer, who is minding Moe's
BART: Uh, yeah, I'd like to speak to a Mr. Tabooger, first name Ollie
HOMER: (excited) Ooh, Bart, my first prank call! What do I do?
BART: Just ask if anyone knows Ollie Tabooger
HOMER: I don't get it
BART: Yell out "I'll eat a booger"
HOMER: What's the gag?
BART: Oh, forget it...

Bart sends a telegraph message to Moe's
MOE: Telegram for Heywood U. Cuddleme! Heywood U. Cuddleme? Big guy in the back, Heywood U. Cuddleme?
A large man turns and stares at Moe as Lenny and Carl laugh
MOE: Oh, do, that little, ooh... I'm gonna drive a golden spike where your Union meets your Central Pacific!

Bart is trying to call the Counter-Truancy unit on a cellphone; the line sounds like it is crossed
JACK BAUER: Chloe, I need those schematics now!
BART: Who is this?
JACK: I'm Jack Bauer - who the hell are you?
BART: Me? I'm, uh, Ahmed Adoodie (pronounced "I Made a Doodie")
JACK: Chloe, find out all you can about Ahmed Adoodie. Does anyone there know Ahmed Adoodie?
CHLOE: Ahmed Adoodie - wealthy Saudi financier. Disappeared into Afghanistan in the late '90s.
JACK: Really?
CHLOE: No, Jack, it's a joke name. You're being set up!
JACK: Dammit!
Bart laughs; Jack fires a gun at someone

Bart calls a bar named just "Bar" somewhere in Hawaii
BART: Aloha to you! I'm looking for Maya. Last name, Normousbutt.
BARTENDER: Hang on, I'll check. Uh, has anyone seen Maya Normousbutt?
Patrons laugh

Bart calls "Crocodile Drunkee's" in Sydney
BARTENDER: I got a Drew P. Wiener here. Anyone expecting a Drew P. Wiener? I hold in my hand a Drew P. Wiener!
PATRON: Better put it down then, mate!
Patrons laugh

Bart calls "Inga-bar Beerman's" in Stockholm
BARTENDER: Ja? I shall inquire. Is there a Mr. Myfriendsaregay, first name Olav? Attention, everyone; Olav Myfriendsaregay!
Patrons laugh smugly
BARTENDER: Wait a minute...if I ever get a hold of you, I will thank you for showing me the futility of human endeavor.


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