Thursday, September 30, 2010

Stop Sign Graffiti Of The Day

FOLOTD Emmi sent me this pic earlier today, a shot her hubby took.



Which, of course, gave me an idea for a post. Hope you like. If not, lower your standards.




Thanks for this one, Tink.









































Music Vid Of The Day: Step

A new twist on an 80s classic, with 25% more thug. From The Movie Guru.


10 People From Your Past Who Will Haunt You On Facebook

I was looking at one of my h.s. yearbooks the other day and read this note from a dear old friend (misspellings and all):

"Hey C-man!

Was this a GREAT year or WHAT? You made Trigg tolerible. I'll never forget the raisins. Kincaid will miss us next year. You're a rad dude. Stay cool.

Your pal forever,
Steve
Yeah, friends forever, Steve -- whoever da fuck you are.

I have zero recollection of Steve. None. Not a clue. Nor do I remember any shenanigans involving dried fruit with this Steve or anyone else.

I looked up all the Steves in my class -- there were three -- and I knew none of them (my school was huge). I remember Trig, I remember Mrs. Kincaid, I don't remember Steve.

Maybe someone was playing me. I hope so. I don't want Steve to find me on Facebook and have to pretend I remember him and all the wacky fun times we had in Trig.

From Cracked.com.

THE BEARER OF BAD NEWS



What They'll Say:
Dear all,

It's with deep regret that I must inform you that our friend from high school, Gordon Porgle, was involved in a car accident.

You may remember Gordon as the quiet person who would spend his time in the library rather than waste his time with us outside. One of my favorite memories of Gordon was that time at the school talent quest when he played GnR on the classical piano. It was hilarious.

He is in intensive care, but is expected to make a full recovery. I will be sending a card soon. If you would like your name to be included, please let me know.
What They'll Really Mean: I've atoned for being an asshole at high school by caring about the uncool kid. I'm better than you.


NEVER MOVED ON FROM HIGH SCHOOL



What They'll Say:

Hi all!

This is just an update for everybody about the reunion. I'm still waiting for a few people to get back to me about when the best time is, but it's looking like it'll be held between Jan and June.

I've found a few more people from class and added them to the list. If this is the first time you've received one of these emails, some of us who are still in the old neighbourhood will be hiring out the gymnasium at the high school for a get together.

Please let me know when you can make it back to town.

Thanks!
Jools
What They'll Really Mean: Remember how I was popular in high school? I'm better than you.


THE NUTJOB



What They'll Say
:

Good friend from a yesteryear passing.

I was simply running my tired eyes over the complexities of human existence in the electronic age − fashion, dot-coms, recipe indexes − when I stumble across the musings of a brother from the past.

It is with great pleasure that I share the love of God with you and offer you my shankra. The sublime Lord has allowed love of humans to spread as energy, which is why He/She (?) allowed the Network of Hope to be created.

I am floating an egg for you and hope you will share with me your comings and goings; toings and frowings; wins and deaths, so we shall once again share.
What They'll Really Mean: I'm in a cult and we're recruiting new members.


(List continues at Cracked)


Movie Clip Of The Day: SLIH

RIP, Bernie.


Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Tattooed Pu**y Of The Day

Sorry, guys, this may not be what you were expecting. Here's a video of the scary ride choad's sister getting a tattoo.

-Frank




Vid Of The Day: 1969 Internet

Best YouTube comment: "Imagine going back in time and telling people that this marvel of technology will be used mainly for porn and funny pictures of cats."

Vid from JackieYo.



Nightmare Playgrounds Of The Day

Where bad kids are sent to play. From Dark Roasted Blend.


Don't run off now, okay?


A cross between Jody the pig from
The Amityville Horror and the hedge animals that come to life in The Shining. Not scary at all.


You're in time out, mister. Five minutes in the monster's belly.




"Mommy, my new dead friend Roger wants to know if I can live here with him forever and ever. Pleeeeeeease!"


This might sting a little.


"Will it hurt when you suck out all my blood, Mr. Cthulhu
?"
"Of course not, my dear. You won't feel a thing."



Every time you look away and then back, they're a step closer.


Careful, the slide is very slippery.


"Don't be scared, I've got candy in my mouth. Come closer, you'll see it."

(See more at Dark Roasted Blend)


News Story Of The Day: Sh*t My Dad Smuggles In His Ass

From The Smoking Gun. I've highlighted my favorite parts.


Sh*t My Dad Smuggles In His Anus To Me In Prison


After plotting over a monitored telephone with his imprisoned son, a California man traveled to a federal lockup in Colorado and sought to smuggle his offspring a golf ball-sized chunk of black tar heroin that he had wrapped in plastic and stashed in his anus.
The father-son smuggling bid ended Friday night with the arrest of Donald Denney, 56, at the federal prison in Florence, Colorado, where Denney's son is serving a seven-year sentence for bank robbery.

Although it is well-known that telephone conversations at federal prison are recorded, Denney and his incarcerated son, also named Donald, nonetheless allegedly hatched the smuggling plan in a series of calls over the summer.

Initially, the heroin was to be brought into the prison by a female accomplice who was to transfer the drugs to Denney via a mouth-to-mouth kiss. That plan was scotched, however, when the Denneys were unable to locate a woman with a clean record whose visit would be approved by prison officials.

As a result, the elder Denney--pictured in the above mug shot--was pressed into service.

According to an affidavit sworn by FBI Agent Harry Deal, Denney told his son he would drive to Colorado with the “you know what somewhere in the car,” then transfer it “from my mouth to yours” by kissing his son during a visit. The younger man was then prepared to swallow the heroin, pass it through his system at a later point, and then market the drug to fellow inmates (the Denneys expected to make $22,000 from the spit swap). (They fail to mention the part about picking the drugs out of his own shit. - C)

But when Denney arrived to visit his son late Friday afternoon, he was intercepted by FBI agents carrying a warrant authorizing a full body search of the smuggling suspect. During a strip search, federal agents spotted “a plastic wrapper protruding from Denney’s anus.” Denney subsequently removed the black tar heroin, which was sealed in “Saran wrap-type” plastic and had been placed inside the severed finger of a Latex glove. In an interview with agents, he confessed to the smuggling scheme and implicated his son in the plot.

Denney, whose rap sheet includes a felony drug conviction, was arrested by FBI agents and charged with possessing heroin with intent to distribute, a felony. His son has not been charged, yet, in connection with the alleged smuggling conspiracy.


Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Music Vid Of The Day: Creepy Kid Sing-Along

Kid - you frighten me. If they ever do Leprechaun 8, you're a cinch.

From Samsmama.



Cartoon Characters And The Drugs They Used (Of The Day)

From Popcrunch.

The Road Runner: Crystal Meth

Look at him go. And go. And go.
And go. And go. And go. And go. Covering the same ground over and over again, day after day after day, avoiding capture by suspending himself in mid-air and running through tunnels that aren't really there. Welcome to the wonderful world of crystal meth.

Droopy Dawg: Oxycontin

Look at that face. Listen to that voice. Droop's on the hillbilly heroin fo' sho'.


Scooby-Doo & Shaggy: Weed

What might be the drug of choice for a talking dog and a 32-year-old hippie who think monsters are always after them and constantly have the munchies? Hmm.. I wonder.

The Smurfs: Magic Mushrooms

Famous for living inside mushroom-shaped homes, the Smurfs made it pretty obvious what they were trippin' on.

Care Bears: Acid

Acid trips are known for producing vivid and outrageously colorful images, fanning the flames of fantasy-driven imagination. So it makes perfect sense to assume that the Care Bears, who populate a world of rainbows, fluffy clouds, and talking stars that hand out colored eggs, might be on one big ongoing acid trip.

Yogi Bear: Peyote

There's only one reason a bear would wear a tie and stumble around the desert looking for things to steal.

Brian Griffin: Booze

"Whose leg do I have to hump to get a dry martini around here?”

(List continues on Popcrunch.com)

9 Regrettable Purchases Of 1999 (Of The Day)

From Funny Or Die.

Remember 1999? Times were good and we could waste our money on the dumbest shit imaginable. Shit like...

Sega Dreamcast

The Dreamcast was actually a pretty cool machine. It had good graphics, could connect to the Internet (editor's note: never knew anyone who did this) and had some decent games right at their super cool launch date: 9-9-1999. The only problem was Sony released Final Fantasy VII that same week for Playstation, and it turned out to be pretty sweet. So sweet, in fact, that a lot of people decided they'd rather wait for Playstation 2 instead of buying a Dreamcast. Dreamcast still could have survived, except for the fact that software sales sucked because you could just burn copies of the games with your fancy new CDR drive. Before long, the Dreamcast was dead. Suddenly the $500 bucks you dropped on a system, game, VMU and 4 controllers seemed like kind of a waste.

A Ticket To Star Wars: Episode 1

Fuck you, George Lucas. That's pretty much all we have to say about this one. Although the pod racer arcade game is still a good time, so I guess it wasn't a total catastrophe.

Y2K Survival Supplies

When Prince said he was going to "party like it's 1999" he probably wasn't picturing a year's supply of canned tuna and 200 gallons of distilled water. Even more confusing than people's conviction that the end was near was the notion that a trip to Costco would help you live after the apocalypse. And while your stockpiles of canned beans and road flares might come in handy when your drunk and bored one night, the various books/VHS tapes and CD-Roms you bought on survival would almost instantly be useless. The information is still good, it's just that nobody uses VCRs, CD-Roms or books anymore.

Smash Mouth CD

None of us had to buy Smash Mouth's "Astro Lounge" album in 1999, but a lot of us did anyways. "All Star" seemed like our friend at first. A catchy anthem that would serve as the soundtrack for pool parties and trips to the beach. Then, somewhere around the 500th time you heard it, you were left wondering why you bothered buying the album. There were no other good songs and you were going to hear "All Star" 20 times a day every day whether you purchased it or not. What was once music to our ears became a sad reminder that we helped buy the fat dude who can't sing another cheeseburger and pair of designer sunglasses.

(List continues at Funny Or Die)

Classic 80s Music Video Of The Day

Thou shalt not covet thy friend's girl, Mr. Springfield. But good job working the word moot into a rock song. Don't hear that every day. Doesn't really rhyme with cute, but close enough, dawg.



And, as a special bonus, Ricky's follow-up. He couldn't get Jessie's girl, so now he's hanging out under tables and looking up women's skirts.

I really need to do a list of 80s music vids where tables full of dishes are knocked over in slo-mo. I can't think of any at the moment, but I know they're out there.



Bonus #2 - Rick in "Californication." Short but memorable.




Instant Punchline Of The Day: Segway CEO Dies While Riding Segway

Not from The Onion. Should be, but isn't. Stolen from Samsmama.


Segway Company Owner Accidentally Dies Riding Segway over Cliff


Segway Company Owner Accidentally Dies Riding Segway over Cliff

James Heselden, the owner of the Segway company, died in an apparent accident involving the upright two-wheeled vehicle on Sunday.

The businessman, 62, was pulled from the River Wharfe, in Yorkshire, England, according to police reports, and a Segway-like vehicle was also recovered at the scene.

According to a report in British newspaper the Telegraph, Heselden, who was known as Jimi, was discovered by a passerby after apparently falling from a cliff above the river. Police do not believe the death to be suspicious.

Heselden was worth about £166 million. He was a former miner who made his fortune from his company, Hesco Bastion, which developed a wire cage water containment system which was used to control floods and used in military defense.

He was also heralded for his charity work, including the British veterans' charity, Help for Heroes.

The Segway, a motorized scooter, is controlled by the direction the rider leans. It used gyroscopes to stay upright. The device was invented by Dean Kamen, who sold his company to Heselden earlier this year.


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