Sunday, May 30, 2010

Comedy.com Links Of The Weekend

All just dying to be clicked.



Funny Shirt Of The Day

Cubs Fan and a Bud Man

6 Reasons Travel Sucks

10 People You'll See At A Sex and the City 2 Screening

Wanna See A Hot Chick In A Web Series?

18 Hacked Road Signs

Join This New Facebook Group To See The Funniest Thing On The Internet Today

5 Funniest Shirts Of The Day

8 Psychotic Overreactions by Adults at Youth Sporting Events

Dennis Hopper Clip Of The Day (NSFW)

I was sorry to hear that Dennis Hopper died. I loved Easy Rider and his tiny role in Rebel Without a Cause, but to me Dennis Hopper will always be Frank Booth. He embodied the character so completely that we can be certain that he was exercising some personal demons. Rumor has it that he contacted David Lynch and told him that he was Frank Booth.



Here's to your fuck, Frank.

-Lefty


Friday, May 28, 2010

Twitter Mockery Of The Day: Ashton & Gary

Tyler Durden FTW!



Says Tyler:


I’m not sure if my screencap of Ashton's tweet about Gary Coleman is legible, but this is basically what he said…

“RIP Gary Coleman. I will always be a fan of keeping my name in the press by injecting myself into unrelated stories like the death of someone I didn’t know in hopes that Us or People will mention me in a ‘Hollywood reacts’ kind of thing. I could get some sweet publicity if they use my insincere statement. Cross your fingers everyone!”


Bwahahahahahahaha!!!


If They're In It, I'm Not Watching It

Celebs this dude cannot abide.

MICHAEL DOUGL-ASS

Do not like. Never have. Don't like his dad, either.

SNAGGLEPUSS

Can't believe Twilight or True Blood didn't cast her

JAY LAME-O

Douche

SARAH JESSICA

I'll just watch Mr. Ed

NIC CAGE

Fool me once...

GWYNETH

Except in a box

ROBIN FUCKING WILLIAMS

Unfunny since.. hmm.. forever?

MYRUS

DIE-rus

JERRY VAN DYKE

Jerry Van Gofuckyourself. I loathe this man.

QUASIMODO

Her face rings a bell. Because her ass would break it.

CHICLETS McPSYCHO

Eats corn on the cob through a tennis racquet

LILO THE HO

Oxygen thief

SEAN PEEN

Great actor. Total asswipe.

HARVEY FIERSTEIN

When I hear that beastly voice, I want to rip out his larynx and shove it up his ass.

BABS

"Shut the fuck up!"

Holy crap, I almost forgot my #1 Celebrity Avoid? I will not see a movie she's in, no exceptions.

Ghoul-ia Roberts

Succubus (click link and then wait a few secs)

80s Bully Megacut Video Of The Day (NSFW)

It's too long, too redundant and not edited all that well, but I like it anyway. Because I'm forgiving like that.

Where have you gone, Billy Zabka?

Best line = 1:23.




From The Huffington Post.

Music Video Of The Day: Shake Your Pants

Uh. Wow. Okay. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

From the band that brought you "Word Up" and "Alligator Woman."


Customers From Hell: Quotes Of The Day

Funnies from Adam and NotAlwaysRight.com



Ice cream shop, Michigan

(A customer orders a sundae in a small banana boat. It’s two mounds of ice cream with hot fudge, pecans, whip cream, and a cherry.)

ME: “Can I help you?”
CUSTOMER: “Yes, I’d like the hot fudge pecan royale. Can you make it with twist ice cream?”
ME: “Yes. ”
CUSTOMER: “That comes with whip cream, right?”
ME: “Yes it does.”
CUSTOMER: “Good. I don’t want a cherry though, they’re fattening.”

Credit Card Call Center, Florida

ME: “Thanks for calling Credit Card Services, how may I help you today?”
CUSTOMER: “Yeah, I was just looking over my statement and see I was charged a late fee. Why?”
ME: “Well, when we receive a payment past the due date, a late fee is normally assessed to the account. Do you have any idea why we received the payment late?”
CUSTOMER: “I was on vacation and didn’t send it in until the 12th.”
ME: “Well, the payment was due on the 8th and there is usually at least seven days between customers sending in their payment until we can receive and process them.”
CUSTOMER: “Well, can you waive that fee for me?”
ME: ”Unfortunately, since the fee was billed appropriately, there isn’t any way that it can be removed.”
CUSTOMER: “Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior?”
ME: “How is that in any way relevant to this conversation?”
CUSTOMER: “Jesus would waive my fee!”
ME: “Jesus wouldn’t own a bank.”

Zoo, Scotland, UK

ME: “Hi, do you need any help?”
GUY AT ZOO: “Yeah… do the chimps, like, speak English?”
ME: “Ummm…. no.”

Coffee Shop, Raleigh, NC

CUSTOMER: “Is the lemon pound cake fresh? Like, is it soft?”
ME: “All of our pastries are fresh, sir. Would you like a sample, to see if you like it?”
CUSTOMER: “Just let me feel it.”

(I put the slice of cake on a plate and watch resignedly as he pokes the cake full of holes.)

CUSTOMER: “Yeah, I guess that’s soft enough.”
ME: “Alright…”

(I pick up the slice of cake with tongs and move to put it in a pastry bag.)

CUSTOMER: “Not THAT one! It’s got holes all in it!”



Furniture store, Netherlands

(I’m working at a well-known Scandinavian furniture store. Our children’s supervised play area only allows ages 3 to 6. Parents need to fill in a form with the names of the children and the address…)

CUSTOMER: (writes down age 7)
ME: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but only children from 3 until 6 are allowed to play in here.”
CUSTOMER: (makes a 6 out of the 7 and looks at me with a big smile)


Fast Food, Ontario, Canada

(I work at a popular fast food restaurant. Drive-through customers should be aware that we can hear every word they say.)

CO-WORKER: “Hi, welcome to ***. How can I help you?”
CUSTOMER: “I just need a minute to decide.”
CO-WORKER: “No problem, just let me know when you are ready.”

(The customer talks to his passengers, while we listen…)

CUSTOMER, to his passengers: “I should ask for something dumb on my ice cream, just to see what they say. How about pickles? They would probably just ignore me. Oh, I know… tomatoes!”
CUSTOMER, to my coworker: “Okay, I’m ready.”
CO-WORKER: “Alright, go ahead…”
CUSTOMER: “I’d like an ice cream sundae with tomatoes on it, please.”
CO-WORKER: “I’m sorry, due to the recent recall in the States, we aren’t serving tomatoes right now. Can I offer you a sundae with pickles instead?”
CUSTOMER: *drives off without ordering anything*

Retail, Minneapolis, MN

(I’ve just spent about 10 minutes answering fairly standard questions from a customer about an iPod. Then, they asked this one…)

CUSTOMER: “Oh, before you leave I have one more question!”
ME: “Sure, what can I help you with?”
CUSTOMER: “Will the iPod get heavier if I put more songs on it?”

Computer Store, Buenos Aires, Argentina

(A man on his mid-forties shoves a DVD case on the counter, while yelling at me. Keep in mind that I’m wearing glasses.)

CUSTOMER: “This DVD doesn’t work, G** D***it! I want a refund!”
ME: “Okay… what seems to be the problem?”
CUSTOMER: “I don’t know, it doesn’t work!”

(I open the case and check the surface of the DVD. It was so scratched that it was nearly white instead of purple, and it even had a dry fingerprint of something that looked like peanut butter.)

ME: “Um… sir?”
CUSTOMER: “WHAT?!”
Me: “I can’t give you a refund for a product that has been damaged by the customer.”
CUSTOMER: What?! The disc is fine! I want a refund!”
ME “Sir, the disc is damaged, and I cannot give you a refund.”
CUSTOMER: “I want to speak to the manager!”
ME: “Of course.”

(I walk away to the back of the store, take off my glasses, and walk to the counter again.)

ME: “Yes, what is the problem?”
CUSTOMER: “YOUR POOR EXCUSE FOR A SALESMAN WON’T–” (He suddenly figures it out.) F*** THIS S***!” *continues swearing while he storms out of the store*

Vid of the Day: High Five Etiquette

Just keep walking and never turn back. ~Daisy


Thursday, May 27, 2010

News Story Of The Day: Girl Welcomed To Womanhood With Pamphlet

From The Onion.




Girl Welcomed To Womanhood With 4-Page Pamphlet


CLEARWATER, KS—Sitting alone in the school nurse's office, local student Vanessa McMillan, 12, was welcomed to the most beautiful and special time in her life Tuesday by a four-page educational pamphlet.

McMillan, who became a woman midway through a unit five geography test and, moments later, rushed to see the school nurse, was reportedly congratulated by the three-color pamphlet at approximately 11:35 a.m.

"Welcome to the wonderful world of womanhood," read the informational booklet, which was handed to the distressed sixth-grader just after she entered the white-walled office and hesitantly explained the magical transformation that was taking place. "This is a time of incredible change!"

Over the course of the next 20 minutes, McMillan's passage into womanhood was heralded by the pamphlet's front cover design of a yellow daisy in full bloom; a series of bold-type chapter headings, including "How Am I Different Now?" and "What To Expect Each And Every Month"; explicit line drawings of a large, two-dimensional uterus; and the deafening silence of school nurse Mrs. Howards.

"Cramps are a natural part of your new monthly visitor," a sentence halfway down the first page read, one of roughly a half dozen upbeat mentions of menstruation-related discomfort that greeted McMillan as she reached her amazing milestone.

"Don't worry. In just a few short years, they won't hurt as much as they do now."

The pamphlet—with its monthly cycle charts, unexpectedly frightening illustration of a butterfly emerging from its cocoon, and repeated use of confusing terminology—wasn't the only thing to welcome McMillan to the newfound joys of womanhood. Moments after receiving the document, McMillan's breathtaking metamorphosis was commemorated with a large absorbent pad, wrapped in hospital white and handed to her by Nurse Howards.

"You'll have to wear this now," said Howards, placing the foreign device onto a chair next to McMillan. "And there's some extra pants in that bin over there, if you need them."

Over the course of the day, McMillan's budding womanhood was acknowledged by passing teachers who smiled sympathetically upon seeing her; a group of sixth-grade boys who warned one another not to talk to her for fear she might suddenly become pregnant; and Coach Dobbs, who suggested that she should maybe go ahead and sit out the afternoon's gym class.

McMillan was also warmly received by her circle of friends, who demanded that she tell them everything that had happened.

"Oh my God," best friend Rebecca Woolard screamed as she gave McMillan a hug that seemed to contain faint traces of jealousy, competitiveness, and what almost felt like resentment. "You have no idea how lucky you are!"

"I so totally hate you right now," Woolard continued. "Totally, totally hate you."




Vid Mashup Of The Day: Muffins

Get out of there!


"Priceless" Spoofs Of The Day (NSFW)

Some of my favorite MasterCard "Priceless" ad spoofs. Click for a better view. Many are not safe for work.













































Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Real Estate Listing Of The Day

Looking for some new digs? This lovely Dutch Colonial on Long Island will only set you back $1.15 mil.



Of course, this property does have a bit of a history, and you might have to share it with some other residents.

See the listing here.


Vid Of The Day: Shotgun Harley

The greatest 80s TV series you never saw. From Funny Or Die.


Craigslist Ad Of The Day: I Found Your Puppies

best of craigslist > atlanta >

You aren't looking for them, but I found your two dogs


Date: 2010-02-18, 4:42PM EST


Sigh. No one is looking for these guys. And I see why.

They hump everything in sight, try to dominate our old doggies, try to eat our cats and pee on everything and bark at everything. Neurotic, lick constantly. They know no commands, either in English or Spanish. They are aggressive and most likely lived in a puppy mill.

You dumped them, probably, and we picked them up before they were killed by traffic. Unneutered, no tags, two small males under a year old.

I hate you, person who dumped these dogs.

There are no lost ads on phone poles, no lost ad on Craig's list, no lost ad in the paper.

We put signs up all over, put a found notice in at the local pounds. If you were looking for these filthy little ragamuffins, you would have found them.

We are afraid to take them to the pound because under stress, your dogs were snappy and horribly afraid, and dogs are judged by temperament for adoption placement. They would not have passed that test.

However...

They are, under their filth, mats and horrible habits, adorable.

They have learned "Quiet," "Come," "Sit."

They have stopped being so neurotic and we have broken most of their bad habits in just a few days.

They are smart and sweet and are looking for guidance and WANT to be good little dogs.

One is a purebred little white and buff guy with an under bite, the other is a brown little dog that looks almost exactly like a miniature version of a larger breed dog. They know each other and were obviously (by the same bad habits) raised (poorly) together.

We will get them neutered, train them and get them into a good, loving home with people who use the brains God gave them.

If these are your dogs, come on by. Not so you can have them back. So I can kick your ass.


  • Location: Atlanta

Comedy.com Links Of The Day

Laffs galore.



11 Most Viewed Stand Up Comedy Videos

Water Skiing Fails Montage

Sex and the City in 60 Seconds

10 Movie Endings You Didn't See Coming

25 Awesome Things Made Of Meat

Classic TV Commercial Of The Day: Crazy Calls

DUDE! Like it was yesterday. To this day I will, on occasion, break into a spontaneous, "Wait.. for.. the beep. You gotta leave your name, you gotta leave your number." Because I'm fun and crazy like that. And fat, so I have to be fun.


Effed-Up Ronald McDonald Pics Of The Day

Some are funny. Some are weird. All are creepy as fuck.

Many thanks to Suzanne for the idea.


McZombie


McWee


McWTS?


McTraumatized


McMugged


McLeavin' It


McTraitor


McPimp


Please god don't make me eat here


McStoned


Happy Meal


Imagine what's been put in his mouth.


McBusted


McBusted 2


McShocked


McFisted


McLunch

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