Friday, September 11, 2009

Music Video Of The Day: The Wrong Hole (NSFW)

And who among us hasn't, fellas? It happens.

From Funny Or Die.

Book Of The Day: The F Word

This seemed fitting here. Description from

You probably can’t count the number of times each day you hear, say or think the most supreme of swear words. But it wasn’t so long ago that the dear old F-bomb was barely uttered outside of private conversation, let alone written into literature or film or television.

Here to educate you on its illustrious lineage—not to mention its present and future—is The F Word, a handsome, concise and erudite history of the term, written by Jesse Sheidlower, an editor of the Oxford English Dictionary.

After an entertaining forward written by F-word–loving comic Lewis Black, Mr. Sheidlower swiftly chronicles the F-word’s earliest appearances in various media, as well as its linguistic roots. From there, he offers an OED-style dictionary of the term and its myriad uses and adaptations, citing terms like “frisking,” “fiber,” “futz” and “motherloving”—not to mention scores of others we won’t print here (though handy for the next time you want to swear creatively). Except this one: “Mammy-jammed.” If you don’t know it, look it up.

Buy it on and support this blog. Thanks, fuckers!

Vid Of The Day: How We Will Know When TV Networks Completely Run Out Of Ideas

Know what's sad? I will watch this if it's on. I'm serious.

Thanks, Cleve, for the Tivo alert.

Retro Video Of The Day: Donny & Marie Star Wars

From my friend Cajun Willie, who sent this with the subject line, "I bet you loved this when you were a kid." Well guess what, Willie: I don't remember it at all, which tells me that either I didn't see it or repressed the memory because it simply too traumatic.

I bet George Lucas wanted to hang himself when he saw shit like this.

Drunken Shamings Of The Day, Vol. 3

I never get tired of these.

Flour Power

Don't run off, ok?

Is that an original Picasso?

"That's it," said Ringo the Chihuahua. "I'm out of here."

Kermit finally finds his rainbow connection

A real Viking can hold his liquor

Now put him in the microwave

WTF? They cracked a pterodactyl egg on his head?

Oooh...and in public too

Why so serious?

I eat cock, but no middle fingers allowed

Five bucks is a good deal

Um... too much?


It's like a TP teepee

Hitler was such an asshat.

Commercial Of The Day: Infomercial Stopper

If only.

LOTD Classic Of The Day: America's Worst Movie Critic

(From 2007)

I've been seeing those commercials for Shrek The Third on DVD that say, "Critics call it the best Shrek yet!" Really? They do? I've seen all three, and calling Shrek The Third "the best Shrek yet!" is
like calling Godfather 3 "the best Godfather yet."

So I started watching the spots to find out what kind of nimrod would actually say that, because I wanted to e-mail that person and ask them if they really do think that Shrek The Third is "the best Shrek yet," or do they just like seeing their name in print or on TV?

In this case, the nimrod is
Pat Collins of WWOR-TV, and instead of e-mailing her, I decided to dig a little and find out what other universally loathed movies won her self-serving flatulent praise. It was so much worse than I expected that I had to make a list of her keen observations, along with quotes from slightly more discerning critics for comparison.

Ms. Collins is not the only critic who loves every movie she's ever seen (hello, Jeffrey Lyons!), but someone has to take one for the team.

Pat Collins
: "The best Shrek yet!"

Premiere: "
Whatever wit and charm were present in the original Shrek have long since vanished."

Village Voice: "Blinded by avarice, and all out of ideas."

San Diego Union-Tribune: "
Essentially the movie is saying to its loyal crowd: You bought this stuff before, now take it re-canned."

Pat Collins: "Truly amazing! You have never seen anything like it before!"

Roger Ebert: "Plot, character, dialogue and even your engagement all disappear into the Suck Zone." "Never before have I experienced a movie that blew it so badly." "I hate this movie."

Pat Collins
: "The mother of all comedy events! Williams and Crystal are hilarious!"

Roger Ebert: "Brainless. This movie could have been written by a computer."

Austin Chronicle:
"I have visions of producers clucking to themselves about how Billy Crystal and Robin Williams were the stars of their movie and what more could anyone want?"
"Fathers' Day isn't just bad, it's awful."

Pat Collins
: "Taxi is the year's funniest movie!"

Roger Ebert: "A lame-brained action comedy... wall-to-wall idiocy."

Los Angeles Times:
"Full of weak jokes and scenes so meandering they make Saturday Night Live look like a paragon of brevity and wit." "We have a winner! Taxi is officially the worst movie of 2004."

Pat Collins
: "The best romantic comedy since Pretty Woman!"

BBC: "Bizarre. Mistakes asinine for amusing."

Orlando Sentinel: "
If you think that Jennifer Lopez showed poor judgment in planning to marry Ben Affleck, wait till you see Maid in Manhattan."

Philadelphia Weekly:
"An airless, prepackaged Julia Roberts wannabe that stinks so badly of hard-sell image-mongering that you'll wonder if Lopez's publicist should share screenwriting credit."

Pat Collins
: "A heart-stopping, spine-chilling, adrenaline-pumping, run-for-your-life thriller!"

Roger Ebert: "A
shallow exercise... contains no substance or meaning."

Washington Post:
"A brightly wrapped, ketchup-drenched mush-burger. You leave with nothing, except possibly heartburn."

Apollo Guide: "With all the star-power at their disposal, this is the best they could do?"

Pat Collins
: "The best Batman yet."

Austin Chronicle:
"Batman forever… and ever… and -- yawn -- ever."
"The plot has enough holes to drive the Batmobile, the Batplane, and the Batboat through."

Variety: "Hollow at its core."

Pat Collins: "This is the volcano movie to see!"

New York Times: "Numbing... exhausting... patronizing."

Roger Ebert:
"An absolutely standard, assembly-line undertaking. No wonder one of the extras is reading a paperback titled 'Screenwriting Made Easy'.''

Internet Reviews:"Even the dog should be embarrassed. Does Tommy Lee Jones need money this badly?"

Pat Collins
: "Better than the first!"

The New York Times: "The fun is gone. Lazy, unresponsive, perfunctory."

"Confusing and endless action scenes."

Washington Post:
"The setup is the same, the characters are the same, even the jokes and some of the scenes are the same. The only difference is that nobody seems to be having much fun this time out -- the audience least of all."

Pat Collins
: "Uproariously funny. It brings down the house!"

Variety: "A
retrograde affair, wallowing in the mustiest racial and political stereotypes."

New York Times
"Haphazard plotting and uninspired direction. A mess."

L.A. Weekly: "
Actor-screenwriter-director Chris Rock makes the kind of movies that Chris Rock the standup comedian slashes and burns in his live routines."

Pat Collins
:"Two medal-winning performances in a go-for-the-gold love story!"

Roger Ebert: "There is essentially not an original moment in the entire film. This material is as old as primeval cinematic sludge."

Washington Post: "Hackneyed and feeble. Rocky on skates."

Pat Collins
: "The best Weapon yet! A big winner."

Austin Chronicle:
"Riggs and Murtaugh now seem little more than stock characters who fall just short of caricatures -- Abbott and Costello in blue.

Rolling Stone:
"Mediocrity wielded by experts. It's not a movie, it's a machine. Why a third time? The first movie earned $65 million, and the second more than doubled that. End of discussion."

Pat Collins
: "100% pure excitement. Visually stunning and refreshingly different."

Washington Post: "In a word, dullsville."

Movieline: "Soupy and derivative of all the wrong movies." "A bloody mess (in both artistry and gore), and extremely difficult to watch."

Pat Collins
: "A must-see laugh-out-loud comedy! Hilariously funny."

New York Post: "Rock's second dud in a row as an actor-director. Screamingly unfunny."

Toronto Star:
"Saddled with an unfocused, cliché-ridden script, a tiresome voice-over narration that drones on and on, and acting by Rock that's as wooden as Pinocchio, I Think I Love My Wife staggers in predictable circles." "Not a funny movie. At all."

Pat Collins
: "Val Kilmer is a sexy, seductive, sinfully good saint."

New York Times: "
Loud, frantic, ridiculously overproduced and featuring a preening performance by Val Kilmer. Matches Mission: Impossible in needless remaking." "A soulless piece of claptrap."

Pat Collins
: "Hilarious! Just when you think it can’t get any funnier…it does." "Gratingly unfunny, mean-spirited flick."

New York Post: "The Farrelly Brothers have jumped the orifice."

Los Angeles Times:
"A grim, shrill, deluded and incredibly depressing movie, bewilderingly mean-spirited."

Pat Collins: "The best romance since Gone With The Wind!"

Roger Ebert: "
"A square peg pounded into a round hole. Not believable at all."

Austin Chronicle:
"There's no spark or chemistry."

"Hobbled with a meandering script, an erratic performance by Richard Gere, and an overbearing score by Danny Elfman."


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