Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Helpful How-To Articles Of The Day

Valuable info here for some of life's most challenging problems. My thanks to Big Lew for the idea, and the brilliant minds at WikiHow for taking the time to educate us all.

How To Breathe

How To Use Toilet Paper

How To Compute An Earth-To-Moon Spacecraft Trajectory

How To Talk Like A Pirate

How To React After Shooting A Home Intruder

How To Be Scene Without Being A Poser
(whatever the F that means)

How To Vomit Politely

How To Show People You Aren't A Commie

How To Become A Surgeon

How To Moon Someone

How To Pretend To Be A Girl

How To Help A Friend Know It's OK To Be Themselves

How To Apply Stick Deodorant Correctly

How To Make A Duct Tape Wrist Band

How To Respectfully Decline Sex

How To Play Guitar Like Eddie Van Halen

How To Be Smart

How To Mind Your Own Business

How To Get Hit With A Bat
(Tip: Don't duck)

How To Become A Theoretical Physicist

How To Become A Stereotypical Beatnik

How To Avoid Peeing On The Tampon String

How To Eat More Fruits and Vegetables
(Step 1: Eat more fruits and vegetables)

How To Fart Discreetly (for teens)

How To Dress Like A Rapper

How To Smell Nice

How To Write A Symphony

How To Love Iron Maiden
(Step 1: Have your ears removed.)

How To Be The Kind Of Girl Rock Songs Are Written About

How To Hide An Erection

How To Fly An Airplane

Onion News Story Of The Day: Classmates.com

From The Onion.

Classmates.com Employees Don't Have Heart To Tell CEO About Facebook

SEATTLE—Employees at Classmates.com — an online service that enables users to find and communicate with people from their past for a monthly fee — have done everything in their power to keep the company's CEO from finding out about the wildly popular social networking site Facebook.

"He knows something is going on," Classmates.com web coder Josh Krzysch said while combing his boss's newspaper and removing any offending articles. "The other day he asked me why people aren't interested in getting in touch with old friends anymore, and I told him that the Internet just isn't very popular right now. What else was I supposed to say?"

Employees claim that unless things somehow miraculously improve by next month, they plan to quietly pack up their desks and leave in the middle of the night.

Star Wars-TV Intro Mash-Ups Of The Day

Probably not something I would've thought of, but it works. Which is why I probably wouldn't have thought of it.

Star Wars/"Dallas"

Star Wars/"MacGyver"

Classic 80s Music Video Of The Day

Yeah, he's a freak, but I still like this song, and I forgot about the awesomely lame intro. The face morphing at the end is still cool, too.

I always liked Tess Harper. She taught some drama classes at UGA when I was there.
I bet she and George Wendt wish they could have this one back.

Busted Booblookers Of The Day (NSFW-ish)

Hey, it happens to the best of us. I got caught checking out a woman's funbags in DisneyWorld a couple of years ago. Except, honestly, it was unintentional. Yeah, yeah, laugh it up, but I swear.

My wife and daughter were in line to meet Aladdin, Jasmine and Genie, and I stood off to the side watching people and waiting to take pics when they got up there. It was late afternoon, about 150 degrees, and we'd probably already walked 895 miles that day, so I was just beat and in a daze and unaware of my eyes.

I don't know how long I stared, but at some point I realized I was gawking at nicely tanned cleavage wearing a low-cut strapless top. But the top was odd-looking, almost like a... costume. It was Jasmine. Looking right at me. Shit. Busted by a fucken Disney Princess, for Chrissakes. What a douche.

And then two minutes later I had to go over there and take pics and act like I wasn't some pervy middle-aged dude scoping out 22yo boobies (even if I am and was).

The mother of all boob-gawking pics

How could he not?

That's right, kid. Resistance is futile.

Kid's just hungry...

Then there's your bum-lookers...

Busted like Beckham.. by his wife

Cheeky monkeys!

And other gawkers... like Letterman checking out Jen's legs

70s PSAs Of The Day

Who else remembers these? I mentioned them at work the other day and nobody knew what the F I was talking about. Nothing new there.


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