Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Comedy Clip Of The Day: The Arkham Redemption

"Smells like Batman Forever in here!"

Pathetic Wanker Of The Day: Bill Gates

If I had to live the rest of my life using only Microsoft products, I'd jump off the Space Needle. From The Register (UK).

Bill Gates bans progeny from iPhone Nation

Microsoft matriarch suffers Apple envy

By Rik Myslewski (3/2/09)

Our hearts go out to little Jennifer, Rory, and Phoebe Gates. Their mom and dad won't let them have an iPod or iPhone.

But before you iPhone haters start cheering, we're talking about choice. Shouldn't Bill and Melinda's kids have a say in what digital-music player or texting-about-that-cute-new-kid-in-class device they use?

Apparently not.

In an effusive article about mommy Gates, Vogue quotes Melinda as saying: "There are very few things that are on the banned list in our household...But iPods and iPhones are two things we don't get for our kids."

The article goes on to opine: "Harsh, perhaps, but understandable. After all, it's hard to walk around tethered to merchandise made by your father’s most famous competitor."

But you know she's conflicted when she goes on to say: "Every now and then I look at my friends and say, 'Ooh, I wouldn’t mind having that iPhone.'"

C'mon, Bill, lighten up. You once gave the iPhone a backhanded compliment yourself, when you told BusinessWeek : "If there's anything good about the iPhone, it's software."

Make your wife happy. Spare your kids the embarrassment of having to listen to High School Musical on a Zune.

Shower a little Apple bling on their lives.

After all, you have a clearer view of reality than Steve Ballmer, who famously told USA Today that "There's no chance that the iPhone is going to get any significant market share. No chance." And who famously laughed at it during a CES interview.

Swallow your pride, Bill, and get your little ones an iPod Nano apiece - and let them pick out whatever color they'd like.

And buy Melinda that iPhone she's evidently lusting for. You can afford it.

May we suggest the white 16GB model? It'd go oh-so-well with the "luminous chestnut hair that falls freely to her shoulders" that Vogue fawns over.

371 Euphemisms For Female Masturbation, 120-255 (NSFW)

The prurience continues...

Gagging my meat hole
Gagging the clam
Gagging the lips of love
Genital manipulation
Genital stimulation via phalangetic motion
Getting a date with slick mittens
Getting a lube job
Getting a stain out of my carpet
Getting a stinky pinky
Getting mud for my turtle
Getting the last pickle out of the jar
Getting the little man in the boat to go fishing
Getting to know Sticky Fingers the mobster
Getting to know yourself
Gilding the lily
Going around the corner
Going deep sea diving
Going fishing
Going mining
Going solo
Going to and from the Batcave
Greasing your hips
Gristle rub
Groping the grotto
Gusset typing
Hand tossing the tuna salad
Harpooning your tang
Having a date with Martin Five-Fingers
Having ladyfingers and cream
Having sex with someone you love
Hee-Haw with wrinkled Mee-Maw
Hitchhiking South
Hitchhiking to heaven
Hitchhiking under the Big Top
Hitting the slit
Hitting the spot
Honing the stone
Indoor fishing
Itching the ditch
Jennying off
Jiggling your jenny
Jilling off
Jostling the Elder
Juicing it up
Juicing Lucy
Killing off
Letting your fingers do the walking
Levy break limbo
Licking my lips (for us contortionists)
"Looking for Waldo & his dog (gee, spot, there you are!)"
Makin' waves for the man-in-the-boat
Making a mini Eiffel Tower
Making kitty purr
Making my lips swell
Making soup
Making the little man sing
Making your own gravy
Manual override
Menage a moi
Muffin buffin'
Nail polish remover
Nulling the void
Nursing a hatchet wound
Opening the bottom drawer
Paddling the finger canoe
Paddling the pink canoe
Pampering the pussy
Parting my meat curtain
Parting the Red Sea
Patting the panky
Pearl fishing
Peeling the peach
Perusing the Yellow Pages
Petting Snoopy
Petting the kitty
Petting the little man in the canoe
Petting the petunia
Petting the pussy
Petting the pussy cat
Petting your bunny
Petting your kitty
Playing couch hockey for one
Playing on the cricket green
Playing poker
Playing solitaire
Playing the banjo
Playing the beaver
Playing the box
Playing the clitar
Playing the hairy guitar
Playing the little Dutch boy
Playing the silent trombone
Playing the slots
Playing with the man in the boat
Playing with your pineapple
Pluggin the leak
Plunging the drain
Plunging the happy hole
Pokin' the pucker
Poking the pudding
Polishing the nugget
Polishing the peanut
Polishing the wedding ring
Polishing your pearl
Preheating the oven
Priming the pump
Producing whore moans (hormones, get it? ;^)
Pushing the button
Pussy poking
Pussy soccer
Putting out the fire
Putting the dot in .org
Reading braille
Reading the map of Tasmania
Ride the glide until the tide
Riding the bed post
Riding the cotton pony
Riding the unicycle
Riding the waterslide
Riding your own mule down Grand Canyon
Ringing your bell
Rocking the boat
Rollin the ol' bean
Rolling the dough
Rolling the marble
Romancing thy own
Rubbin Hood
Rubbin' the nubbin
Rubbing the donut
Rubbing the red pussycat
Rubbing the stub

Clip Of The Day: Blonde Returns To Work After 25 Years

From Smokiechick, who says, "Most people under 30 won't get this."

Fonked-Up Celebrity Teefs Of The Day

Why am I so hard on celebs? In the words of WWTDD, "fuck 'em, that's why."

This post brought to you by...

Now.. smiles, everyone, smiles!

Whoa, Bride of Dracula, put those fangs away.

Hey, Gary Busey, your teefs too big!

Up in Harlem at a table for two
There was 44 of us,
Me, your big teefs and you.

Don't just stand there, get Hilary an apple and some sugar cubes!

If Jon Heder were a Marx Brother, he'd be Gummo. Gosh!

If they ever remake The Spy Who Loved Me, Flav's a lock for Jaws.

A pretty gal, that Jewel -- until she flashes dem toofies.

"They tried to make me see a dentist, but I said no no no."

Uh. Yeah.

Heavens to mergatroid, it's Snagglepuss!

The better to bite off ears?

And in related news...

Classic 80s Music Video Of The Day

Saw this one on VH-1 Classic this morning. It will always remind me of that great scene in Boogie Nights with Alfred Molina, a terrific (and underrated) character actor (Doc Ock in Spider-Man 2, etc.)

Time For My Sign Again

Great news! Another pet bird has gone missing in my neighborhood.

While I do feel a touch of sympathy for the forlorn bird-owner, knowing that the trees around here are filled with hungry hawks and owls who would love to make an easy meal of a domesticated, blissfully clueless bird ("I'm free! Oh yeah! Check me out! I'm fr--- CHOMP!), that sympathy is tempered by the fact that I think birds make silly pets, and because it gives me another chance to put up my sign around the neighborhood.

Maybe this time my humorless neighbors won't take them all down within a day.

I found your bird

What can I say? I like helping people.


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