Tuesday, January 6, 2009

5 Crappy Songs I Loved As A Kid

Honesty compels me to admit that my child has great taste in music, thanks in large part to me, and, to a lesser degree, her mother. When we get in the car to go somewhere, the kid typically requests Green Day, The Who, The Cars or The Clash instead of Raffi or Veggie Tales or Hannah Montana or whatever crap kids tend to like right now. We do listen to High School Musical and other kids' stuff occasionally, but for the most part, my child likes what her mom and dad like (Mom leans a bit more hip-hop and funk than Dad).

I wasn't the same as a child. Yes, I liked some of the records my parents had, but they didn't have a lot, so we mostly listened to the radio. And, while 70s radio played a lot of great stuff, it also played a lot of complete and utter shit. Like these songs, five of the worst you'll ever hear. And I liked them.


As a kid I felt sorry for the guy in the song. Later I just wanted him to shut up and die already, the whiny bitch.


An anti-war song in the Vietnam era. For a while I thought he was singing, "I need a volunteer to ride up/And bring us back some excrement."


Yes, this was on the radio. Yes, it was a hit. I think the entire world was high.


So profound: "Peace on Earth was all it said." PSYCH!! They all got punk'd. As for Billy Jack, the movie that the song comes from, I never got it. He walks around talking about being an Indian (what we called Native Americans in the 70s) and what they do and don't do, and the guy looks no more "Indian" than Conan O'Brien. But go figure, Billy Jack and its sequels made a bunch of money. And -- boy oh boy! -- there could be new ones coming. From Wikipedia: "He [actor/director Tom Laughlin] is currently seeking funding for a fifth Billy Jack film in two parts. When originally announced in 2004, it was entitled Billy Jack's Crusade to End the War in Iraq and Restore America to Its Moral Purpose; this was shortened to Billy Jack's Moral Revolution in 2006. In 2008, the film was titled Billy Jack for President. Recently, it has been re-titled Billy Jack and Jean. Laughlin promises it will be a "new genre of film": a great deal of social commentary on politics, religion, psychology, etc. will be discussed, and a debate will take place between Billy Jack and President George W. Bush via computer manipulation of archived speeches." Now there's something to look forward to.


This is what killed Jack Benny.

December Engrish Roundup

All your mistranslation are belong to me.

Just try to eat it.

You too can be a Terra Bal driver!

Does my day planner smell like Panda shit to you?

For speed-humping that breaks the sound barrier. "Dude, I totally gave Janet the Mach 1 last night."

The drinker's chocolate. For your beautiful time. And the DT's.

It always feels impossible the first time you do it.

In case a grizzly bear wanders in.

Now serving sheet cake.

My wife, aka "the black thumb," will be glad to hear this.

"Front desk? My Spanktrevision isn't working, can you please send Ms. Porn up?

Tell 'em George Michael sent you.

It might take a while to fill that thing up, but I'll do my best.

Because those farts tell me you're very close to soiling yourself.

Now I gotta paint again, asshole.

Wherever finer drugs are sold.

Robust and earthy, with a delicate aftertaste of Scott's Turf Builder.

Where Pat pees.

You first.

Because you can't smoke vodka.

Booger 69.

The other cops call Lee "the invisible man" because of his skill at blending into crowds.

The cooks worked hard on it.

Newfangled Exercise Equipment Of The Day (video)

If you resolved to lose weight in 2009 -- and who didn't? -- then man oh man have we got you covered.


The link is from Megan, who writes: "I saw this & thought to my self, self, there's no way that's for reals. But it is. A googling reveals: 'The Speedfit is a line of people-powered treadmills. The Speedfit Treadmobile is a treadmill mounted on four wheels. As a person exercises, the treadmill moves across a flat terrain such as a road. It is steered with handlebars. The Speedfit was designed by Alex Astilean and shown at the 2008 International Health, Racquet and Sportsclub Association (IHRSA) trade show in San Diego, California. The Speedfit is currently in prototype stage and is looking for investors.'"

Count me in! Where do I send the check? But seriously -- the vid is from 2007. I wonder if they found any sucke-- oops, I mean investors?

Megan adds, "My fave part of the video? A tie between the soundtrack and when it's two guys on the treadmill at once - a personal fantasy of mine."

Nice find, Megan.

Great Quotes From Former Bosses (Of The Day)

Real quotes from former overlords of mine.

"Not everyone gets promoted to busboy. You gotta prove yourself on the dish line first. Only the best make busboy."

"It's easier to ask for forgiveness than permission."

"You get an hour for lunch, but try to be back in 45 minutes so the person covering your register can take their hour."

"Write whatever you want. Nobody listens to that crap anyway."
(Referring to "coming up next" narration over the end credits of a TV show or movie)

"We want spots with a real cum-in-your-face feel to them."

"The good news is, I can hire you. The bad news is, I can't pay you." (And I said yes. It was my first TV job and I wanted to break in. A month later they started paying me.)

"I don't want to hear the phones ringing three or four times! You guys should answer them before they even ring."

"I like the spot. I don't really like the script or the music, and the VO is awful, but otherwise it's fine."

"You didn't show enough enthusiasm at the staff meeting. Everyone else seemed really into it."

"Where do you see yourself in five years?" ("Porkin' your widow," I wanted to say.)

Not long after I started working at TBS back in '93, the president of the network called all the on-air employees into a meeting for a big announcement. This was a rare event. TBS was already a big network, and we almost never saw the Big Man himself. So off we all trotted up to the plush third-floor executive conference room, about 20 of us. "I wanted you all to hear the news before the official announcement went out. I'm very excited." His tone was serious; this was obviously something huge."We've just acquired a fantastic sitcom. We expect big things from it, and it will be the cornerstone of our new afternoon comedy block. The show is... Charles In Charge."

Let's hear yours.


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