Tuesday, December 16, 2008

The 10 Dumbest TV Shows Ever

From Maxim.com. Kudos to them for being able to choose ten from thousands of candidates, although I don't think they picked the worst ten here. But hey, what do I know?

The Mind of Mencia
Thanks to Carlos Mencia's inimitable brand of racially- and ethnically-charged sketch comedy, we no longer see color anymore. Because we stabbed our eyeballs into mint jelly four minutes into the series opener.

Growing Up Gotti
If Italian-Americans were offended by The Sopranos, they must have been rolling in their pizza boxes over this reality show, which evidently examined how homosexuals have taken over the Mob.

Our nation's terror policy was once compelling and suspenseful, too. But when it started focusing more on John Ashcroft's love relationship with Condoleezza Rice, we lost interest in the war on terror, too.

MTV's Next
Find the one-date format of shows like Elimidate too high-minded? Then watch the same person go on five dates. Not stupid enough? MTV drives all the potential suitors around in a bus until somebody gets Chlamydia.

Deal or No Deal
If you've ever quietly seethed while your girlfriend waffled for hours between two-dozen wallpaper patterns at Home Depot, you've beheld the skill required to win up to 20 years' salary on DND.

Walker, Texas Ranger
The stories were simpler than a Deal or No Deal contestant. Zero plot intricacy, even less character development — just Chuck Norris karate-kicking dudes toting uzi's. And it kicked ass.

Saved by the Bell
Just think what you could have made of your life had you not spent every Saturday morning as a kid watching this mindless high school "comedy" about a demographically engineered group of white kids and their vaguely ethnic friends.

ABC tried to pass off a sitcom featuring people dressed as a family of dinosaurs — complete with a baby who would brain his father with a frying pan while screaming "not the mama!" — as a satire of modern American society.

Who knows why NBC thought the weakest character on Friends could carry his own show. It couldn't have gone worse if his last name was Buttafuoco.

The War at Home
Michael Rappaport got his own family sitcom. Michael Rappaport is the real-life Joey.

My turn. Other shows that could just as easily have made the list:

  • Every single reality show ever made, but especially: Survivor, American Idol, Sunset Tan, Paradise Hotel, and anything with Paris Hilton, the Kardashians or Flava Flav.
  • Home Improvement
  • Matlock
  • The Dukes Of Hazzard
  • Lost In Space (loved it as a kid but it sucked)
  • The Love Boat (ditto above)

What else?

Bad Christmas Gift Idea Of The Day (video)

"Makes over 60 real sounds?" WTF? I don't think Brian Dennehy makes 60 sounds on the toilet. What's that kid eating?

I already had one of these. It's called a 3-year-old and I got rid of it four years ago, thanks. I think I'll stick with Little Miss Wipes-Her-Own-Ass-Now.

From Ashley Unscripted.


Link Of The Day: Rob Corddry on Comedy.com

My friends over at Comedy.com asked funnyman Rob Corddry of "The Daily Show" to program their site for a day. The result is a heapin' helpin' of funny videos and stand-up bits, most of which I will be stealing at some point in the near future (just kidding, Comedy.com guys. Sort of.).

Click the pic above or HERE to get some funny.

Craigslist Ad Of The Day: Signed Bible For Sale

This would make a wonderful Christmas gift if you have the extra cash.

A good one from Noreen.

best of craigslist > seattle-tacoma >

Originally Posted: Wed, 16 Jul 14:27 PDT

Autographed copy of the Bible - $1,000,000,000 OBO

Date: 2008-07-16, 2:27PM PDT

I have a near-mint copy of the Bible, signed by the Big J.C. himself. According to Amazon, this is one of the better selling books of all time. I'm guessing the Prince of Peace would be happy to hear that.

This book was entrusted to me by the Knights of Templar, who borrowed it from Our Savior sometime between 28 and 32 AD and forgot to give it back. It was one of those things where they said they'd return it in a week, but then they didn't get around to reading it right away. And you know how you always feel bad returning a book you haven't read, especially when the lender asks you what you thought of it.

So in trying to avoid an awkward moment with the Alpha and Omega, they hung onto it until they had more time. Well that time turned into about 2000 years, and it got mixed in with some other books and made it into a yard sale box.

At first, the King of Kings' signature wasn't worth much, but after Our Redeemer died on the cross for your sins, apparently the value skyrocketed and then rose more gradually over the next 2000 years as more people learned of the Good Shepherd's story.

Why am I selling it? I could say that I'm interested in sharing the Word of God with someone else - become a "Fisher of Men" so to speak. But the truth is I just bought an Xbox 360 and don't have room on the bookshelf for both. I'll either use the money to fight world hunger, or buy that Rock Band game I've been hankering for.

  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 757746196

The 20 Worst Movie Endings Ever

From Cranky Pants Betsy and the Times Online (UK). Contains spoilers -- as articles about movie endings often do. I don't agree with a lot of their choices, but you know what they say about opinions.

Cast Away
Robert Zemeckis, 2000

Being stuck alone with Tom Hanks on a desert island for 90 minutes is itself a test of patience, but at least there is the whole “will-he-escape?” question. He does . . . but things don’t stop there. In a turgidly anticlimactic homecoming, he discovers that his girlfriend is married to their dentist. He looks sad. Time passes. Just when things threaten never to end he finds himself standing at a crossroads. Like we don’t get it.

Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Terry Gilliam and Terry Jones, 1975

They changed the face of modern humour, but the Python boys, moving away from standard sketch construction, often left themselves with no punchlines. In a half-hour TV show, that’s acceptable. But on the big screen, after some of the most hysterical comedy moments in cinema history, to have King Arthur and his knights arrested by contemporary policemen is, literally, a cop-out.

Blade Runner (original release)
Ridley Scott, 1982

The studio-tampered original has much to recommend it, including Harrison Ford’s noir-style voiceover, the perfect complement to Scott’s dark, rain-drenched hellhole. What really sucks is the decision to remove all ambiguity from the ending, leaving Deckard (Ford) and Rachael (Sean Young) driving in sun-drenched mountains that look as if they were torn from another movie. They were. From the outtakes of the opening minutes of The Shining.

Paul Thomas Anderson, 1999

How do you tie up the loose ends in an ambitious comedy-drama? Answer: you introduce a freak meteorological event, a rain of frogs that falls on your characters, interrupting suicide attempts and causing havoc on the highway. Biblical imagery? Or a desperate attempt to plug plot holes with amphibians?

Alfred Hitchcock, 1960

“Matricide is probably the most unbearable crime of all!” And so begins an agonisingly dull lecture from know-all Dr Richmond (Simon Oakland) that explains the psychopathology of Norman Bates (Anthony Perkins) in painfully literal terms, and brings the formerly thrilling proceedings to an undignified splat.

Saving Private Ryan
Steven Spielberg, 1998

Spielberg opened his war drama with one of cinema’s most visceral combat scenes. But he added on a coda in the style of a Werther’s Original ad, in which Ryan, now a grandad, reflects on whether he was a good man. Spielberg at his gloopiest.

Randal Kleiser, 1978

Olivia Newton-John’s overnight transformation from virginal moppet to leather-clad vamp might have stretched credulity, but Kleiser’s musical at least conformed to the laws of physics. Until the final shot, in which John Travolta’s hotrod takes flight and soars away into the clouds. Why, oh why?

The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
Peter Jackson, 2003

Overegging the pudding in epic style, Jackson wraps up his nine-hour saga with no fewer than four endings. The coronation of Viggo Mortensen’s king was euphoric, but the dockside farewell and Sam’s return to Bag End were unecessary, and don’t get us started on the scene in which Frodo and friends laugh like stoned schoolgirls.

For the rest, see the full article at Times Online

WTF? 70s Music Video Of The Day

I've never liked this song -- can't stand it, in fact -- so when this video came on VH-1 Classic this morning, I lunged for the remote. But then I started watching and, much like the guy who watches a police chase on TV because he knows it will end in carnage or at least a vigorous ass-whuppin', I could not look away. But then, after seeing the car careen off the road and launch the driver face-first through the windshield and down the pavement like a rag doll, I felt dirty and cheap.



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