Monday, October 13, 2008

My Yahoo Answer Of The Day: I Can't Stop Masturbating

Another helpful answer -- or so I thought -- but overlooked by the Yahoo community. Their loss. Chronic masturbation is a serious problem. Just ask Steve Hatchett.

Click graphic for larger view.

Where Aren't They Now? Five Pathetic Post-Star Wars Careers

From (full article here).

Here are five men who were integral to the Star Wars franchise but whose careers outside the trilogy were either forgotten or not worth remembering:


The character:
Imperial Officer Grand Moff Wilhuff Tarkin

The actor:
Peter Cushing was so old-school, he actually appeared in a Laurel and Hardy movie (A Chump at Oxford). That was before George Lucas was even freaking born. He was also originally considered for the role of Obi-Wan Kenobi. Picture that.

Inestimable contribution to the films:
Tarkin was the real badass of the first film. When Vader started air-choking a guy, it was Tarkin who told him to back it off and Vader did what he was told. Also, you thought it was scary when Anakin killed those kids in Episode III? Tarkin killed a whole planet's worth of them on Alderaan, and for even less reason.

Where is he now?
In the skull orchard. Cushing died in 1994, so he never saw any of the newer Star Wars films. Lucky bastard.


The character:
Wookiee smuggler Chewbacca

The actor:
He's tall. Peter Mayhew is a goddamned 7-foot-3 inches. That's two Tom Cruises. If we're going to be totally honest here, that was the main contributor to him landing the role of Chewie. OK, the only contributor. In Mayhew's own words, "All I had to do was stand up."

Inestimable contribution to the films:
Try to imagine Chewbacca, only about two feet shorter. Mayhew's freakish height is the only thing separating Chewbacca from a damned Ewok, and the only thing keeping that costume from being laugh-out-loud ridiculous.

Where is he now?
Mayhew voiced the character Susha in Dragonball: GT and is all set to appear in Yesterday Was a Lie, a fantasy sci-fi noir movie about quantum physics and some other bullshit. Fans of Chewie who were disappointed to see him gypped out of a hero's medal at the end of Episode IV will be glad to note that he was ceremoniously given one at the MTV Movie Awards in 1997.


The character:
Mandalorian armor-clad bounty hunter Boba Fett

The actor:
Jeremy Bulloch wasn’t the only Boba Fett, but appearing in both Empire and Jedi makes him the standard. You might also know his strikingly unthreatening face as Q's assistant from the James Bond film Octopussy, a movie that many audiences walked out on after realizing the title character did not have eight vaginas.

Inestimable contribution to the films:
What is it about Boba Fett? The guy is barely in the original trilogy and dies a ridiculous death when a blind Han Solo accidentally knocks him off a barge. Yet, the fans went nuts for him. Bulloch had to be doing something right. The way he... stood there.

Where is he now?
Bulloch appeared alongside fellow unsung Star Wars hero David Prowse in the Internet fan films Order of the Sith: Vengeance and its sequel, Downfall. Like every second-tier member of the cast, he’s no stranger to the convention circuit, but at least he scored a cameo in Episode III, as a ship’s pilot.


The character:
Rebel X-Wing Pilot Wedge Antilles

The actor:
According to his official (meaning Wikipedia) biography, Denis Lawson was born in Crief, Perth and Kinross, which we are choosing to believe means he left three separate wombs, in thirds, and was assembled later. He’s also the only member of the Star Wars cast to have his name misspelled in the credits (twice!), giving him full automatic rights to the title "unsung." Lawson is also Ewan McGregor's uncle.

Inestimable contribution to the films:
Was the only minor character to survive all three movies, despite being present at both Death Star attacks and being likable yet expendable, usually a recipe for poignant death.

Where is he now?
Lawson is one of the few to have actively resisted the siren’s call of Star Wars reprisals, denying a request by Lucas to play Capt. Antilles, a character "totally unrelated" to Wedge, in Episode III. Sorry George, we guess he saw Episode II. Lawson has had an extremely healthy career in BBC television, appearing in more than 20 series since his Star Wars appearances.


The character:
The body of Dark Lord of the Sith, Darth Vader

The actor:
Before playing Vader, the staggering 6-foot-7 inch weightlifter appeared in several films as Huge Muscular Guy. Our favorite role has to be Green Cross Code Man, a hero invented by the BBC to encourage kids to follow street lights when crossing the street.

Inestimable contribution to the films:
He intimidated everyone while simultaneously allowing James Earl Jones to perform his role from a booth in his underwear.

Where is he now?
Prowse worked as a trainer whipping Christopher Reeve into shape to play Superman. He also trained Cary Elwes to play Westley in The Princess Bride. Unlike most typecast actors, Prowse seems to love his most famous role, still attending conventions to discuss the films and even heading the 501st legion, a group of Star Wars costuming fans.

SNL Clip Of The Day: Mark Wahlberg

What makes this even better is that apparently Marky Mark wasn't too thrilled with the portrayal. He told the New York Post:

Someone showed [the clip] to me on YouTube. It wasn't like Tina Fey doing Sarah Palin, that's for sure. And "Saturday Night Live" hasn't been funny for a long time. They've asked me to do the show a ton of times. I used to watch it when Eddie Murphy was there and Joe Piscopo and Bill Murray. I don't even know who's on the show now.

Oh, waa. Does someone need his boo-boo bunny?

Commercial Of The Day: Ford SportKa

A European commercial for the Ford Ka (specifically, the sport version, or SportKa). From Keeorp, who, I'm guessing, is not a cat lover.


Top 5 Preppy 80s Movie Villains Of The Day

From Entertainment Weekly.

James Spader as Steff
Pretty in Pink

Spader oozes disdain and smarm so well in this role, you wish the movie were real so you could kick his ass.

William Zabka as Johnny Lawrence
The Karate Kid

He gets a lifetime achievement award for jerkiness in Karate, Back to School and Just One of The Guys. The prep villain against who all others must be measured. Sweep the leg! Yes, Sensai.

Ted McGinley as Stan Gable
Revenge of the Nerds

The notorious show-killer as ultimate frat boy Stan Gable. You gotta love that sweater-around-the-neck look. "That's my pie!"

Craig Sheffer as Hardy Jenns
Some Kind of Wonderful

All I remember about this movie is when Mary
Three-names Whatsherface tells Lea Thompson, "You break his heart, I'll break your face," which could be the lamest line ever delivered on film. Hard to believe Sheffer is the same guy who played quiet, thoughtful Norman Maclean in A River Runs Through It.

Aaron Dozier as Roy Stalin
Better Off Dead

The thinking man's prepster villain, he even has a badass name: Roy Stalin. Ski-team captain and girlfriend thief, Stalin isn't even the worst of John Cusack's problems. (That honor belongs to a mercenary paperboy.)

Parent Of The Day: DUI Dad

From Kurt, who would never let his 10-year-old drive for him. Twelve or 13 maybe, but not 10.

This gentleman is today's Mug Shot Of The Day.

10-Year-Old Flips Van At 90 MPH

Adult Told Police He Drank 15 Beers

BLOUNTVILLE, Tenn. -- A 10-year-old was driving up to 90 mph when he crashed a van carrying a man who told police he had drank at least 15 beers and a woman who was trying to swallow as many pills as she could when deputies arrived at the scene, Tennessee authorities said Tuesday.

The young driver lost control and the vehicle rolled, coming to rest on its top in northeastern Tennessee, Sullivan County authorities said. The two adults and three children in the van were taken to Bristol Memorial Hospital with minor injuries following Sunday's crash.

Police charged 43-year-old Randy Lewis of Bristol with seven violations, including third offense DUI and felony reckless endangerment. People can be charged with DUI in Tennessee if they own the vehicle, even if they are not driving.

A booking photo released by the Sheriff's Office showed Lewis wearing a T-shirt that said, "Buy this dad a beer."


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