Monday, September 22, 2008

Classic Advertising, Vol. 3: Totally Creepy Ads Of The Day

You think today's ads are whack? Check these out. The products are weird enough, but the ads seal the deal.

Pears, the official soap of the traumatic childhood.

Moooommmmy... I see dragons. And unicorns. And a pig slicing himself up.

Pepperoni. It's just that easy.

Steak. I daren't touch it without my white gloves.

One dose for Billy, two for Mommy.

All I want for lunch is more Nembutal. And Serpasil for dessert.

"Gum" massager. Wink.

"Have a Coke and a smile" makes sense now.

I bet you can fly with those on.

"Oops, I crapped my pants!"

Drink Pabst and grow these fucked-up ribbon/flipper hands like us, then try to bowl with them.

Notice that Zombellina is staring at mom's hand, not the bread. It's flesh she craves.

Guy at far right: "Here, hit her with two."

That's not foam.

Atomic suit, my ass. It's a blowjob suit. Read the copy. "Handling a geiger counter"? "Floating particles"? "Contamination"? Uh huh. No muss, no fuss, no mess.


Vid Of The Day: Angry Man

A new twist on an old vid, from the new BBC comedy series, The Wrong Door. From Lee and Cake.


Phone Conversation Of The Day

My child spent Saturday night in the mountains with a friend and her family. It wasn't her first sleepover away from home, but it was the first time she'd been out of town. She did great, of course; it was Dad who had trouble adjusting to her absence. I wanted to call and check on her Saturday night, but my smarter half said, no, she's fine, she's having fun, leave her alone. Ok. But we did call her Sunday morning to check in. She spoke to her mom for a bit, then I got on the line.

"Hi, Daddy."

"Hi, Kiki (her nickname). You having fun?"


"Whatcha doing?"

"We just got out of the hot tub." (No, I didn't ask her if anyone pooped in it.)

"Ooh, sounds like fun. What else have you done?"

"Yesterday we went for a hike and then we got in the hot tub, then this morning we got up and ate and Katie and I got in the hot tub again, and now we're about to go pick apples at an orchard."

"Great. Sounds like you're having a good time."



(a half-second of silence, then:)

"Can I go now?"


"Can we hang up now?"


"Bye, Daddy."

"Bye, love you."

:: Click ::

Poor kid. She really missed me.

Vid Of The Day: Censored Sopranos

Good stuff from Josh.



Lost Pet Of The Day

Has anyone seen my jackrabbit, Armstrong? He's been missing since just before we baled up all the hay.

(Many thanks to Bubbasmom for the pic.)

On a side note, I guess these hay rolls are the way it's mostly done now, instead of baled into blocks like they used to do. I hear the horses hate that. Why? Because they can't get a square meal anymore.


20 Dumbest TV Shows Ever

You won't be surprised to learn that the majority (75%) of the shows on this list are reality/game shows. You also probably won't be surprised to learn that more shows listed come from Fox (5) than from any other network.

What will surprise you -- or should, anyway -- is that among mindless series like Temptation Island and The Swan, the idiots at EW actually included the brilliant and hilarious Beavis & Butthead. More on that after the list.

From and Voronya.


Playing human Tetris, contestants contort themselves to fit through cutouts in a foam wall...over and over again, while shrill hosts bray ''hole'' double entendres that rarely make sense. Oh, people also fall in the water. Yeah, that's it.

HURL! (G4)

Chugging chili for cash? If only it stopped there. No, Hurlers are then forcibly manhandled into spewing it back up; last one to heave wins $1,000. The only things that make sense are the hazmat suits.


Proof that dumb doesn't always mean bad. Watching mud-caked office drones bounce face-first off giant kickballs strikes the part of the funny bone where dry wit can't reach.


We fully endorse dumping witless Flavor of Love, I Love New York, and Rock of Love castoffs on foreign soil, but with two fixes: (1) Find the most egregious ones (where's the girl who pooped herself?), and (2) leave them there.


We can't fathom why these people are famous. We don't understand why none of them can string two cogent thoughts together. And we really don't know why we can't change the channel when they're on.


Flavor Flav was the least engaging yet most ridiculous thing on his own reality programs. So it stands to reason that MyNetworkTV's giving him a scripted series (especially a hacky Fresh Prince of Bel-Air rip-off) is unwise on its face — especially with these scripts (and that face).


The formula (groin + object = funny) is hardly advanced physics, but the unavoidable truth is that there isn't a comedian alive who wouldn't kill to make people laugh that hard.


Never mind that a 41-year-old still refers to herself as a girl. The lamest thing about Pammy's reality show is that for all her talk of revealing the ''real'' her, all we learn is that she really, really likes sex. Don't we already know that?


If the stars were any good at their secret talents, they wouldn't be secret. Thankfully, it took the network only one episode (and one country ditty from George Takei) to figure it out.


The game show in which people sit in a hot seat, submit to humiliating questions in front of loved ones, then lose cash by getting their own answers wrong. Dumbest thing ever? Only if you're dumb enough to go on it.


We haggled and debated over NBC's competition series, but in the end we couldn't decide which part was the most ridiculous: the wet-your-pants stunts, Temple of Doom-style insect encounters, or host Joe Rogan.


Mark Walberg pulls a dumb twofer as the host of Fox's Moment of Truth and Island, in which couples subjected themselves to betrayal and humiliation as they cavorted with singles aiming to bust them up. Arguably evil, but he did it for money (which makes it okay).


More like Chains of fools, Love's contestants were in a prison of their own making when they signed up to be shackled to strangers for up to four days on this UPN series. If only — just once — the burly Lockmaster had lost the key.


Ham-fisted writing, wooden acting, and cheesy interstellar travel — where have we seen that before? Oh right, the Muppets' delightful ''Pigs in Space.'' Only ''Pigs'' was smarter, funnier, and had better production values.


Why Jackass and not, say, The Tom Green Show? They both aimed for dumb, but Tom Green had a certain performance-art element to his inanity. The Jackass boys settled for rousing games of Nut Ball, pole-vaulting into fetid swamps, and chowing down on the ''vomit omelet.''

CHEATERS (Syndicated)

All kidding aside, the stabbing of host Joey Greco was horrible. But it did underscore one critical truth of reality television: The spot between the publicly shamed cheater and the TV camera isn't the smartest place to stand.


Mike Judge's classic rumination on wasteoid kids stands out for being insipid, yet inspired. Beavis and Butt-head were willfully demented little pyromaniacs, but they were also potent symbols of suburban entropy. And they said ''penis'' a lot.


Oh Fox, you shameless hussies, here you are again. The beast specials degraded all involved by pitting, for example, an elephant against a cadre of little people to — actually, we're not even going to tell you what they did. It was that bad.


How insane was Aaron Spelling's short-lived nighttime soap? Picture the scene: Yasmine Bleeth walks down the aisle on her wedding day, escorted by ex-lover Casper Van Dien, to marry Casper's dad. Just as he's about to give her away, she whispers to him, ''I'm pregnant — and it's your baby.''


Why would Fox (the undisputed duke of dumb) build up its Franken-babes through extensive plastic surgery, then tear them down with a beauty pageant? Because there's nothing like carving up your face and body for a national audience, then being told you're still not pretty enough.


As for Beavis & Butthead, it's called satire, EW. Look it up in the dictionary. In the meantime, have you guys ever heard of any of the shows listed below, all better candidates than B & B for this failure of a list? Here are 25, but I could easily come up with 50.

1. American Idol
2. Home Improvement
3. I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!
4. Keeping Up With The Kardashians
5. Denise Richards - It's Complicated
6. Celebrity Boxing
7. Paradise Hotel (and PH2)
8. Dancing With The Stars
9. Survivor
10. According To Jim
11. The Girls Next Door
12. The Simple Life
13. Two And A Half Men
14. Kid Nation
15. Midget Nation
16. Judge Judy (and 5-6 other fake court shows I won't even count)
17. Deal Or No Deal
18. American Chopper
19. Speeders
20. World's Wildest ______ (Police Chases, Shootouts, Police Videos, whatever)
21. My Mother The Car
22. Are You Hot?
23. Howard Stern Show
24. Love Boat: The Next Wave
Jerry Springer


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