Thursday, June 26, 2008

Craigslist Ad Of The Day: Free Attack Kitten

Ferocious Attack Kitten

Date: 2008-06-02, 7:10PM CDT

Ferocious attack kitten is available for adoption to any home willing to accept him.

This destructive kitty has been trained as a proud warrior and will fiercely defend your house, even against you.

Well-trained since 10-weeks of age to attack anything in his presence, he will protect your family from evil things, including the following:

* insects
* other trained attack kittens

* babies

* toilet paper

* anything under a blanket

* unwanted house guests

* paper bags

* floor rugs

* Chuck Norris

* feet

Great with children (assuming you don’t like the children). Probably best used for professional catfighting.

He is housebroken, but only because he wants to be.

This attack cat has trained himself to seek out his food anywhere you hide it and rip the bag open to feed himself, great for those who travel extensively. Also trained to drink water out of toilet bowls and dishwater from items in the sink.

Knows how to open some doors. He will find you wherever you hide.

Neutered (trust me, you wont want to him to procreate). Has not been declawed, but you'll figure that out really fast.

Understands and responds to a variety of vulgar and profane verbal commands. Has a very soft and furry belly, like a teddy bear - however he will bite your face if you try to touch it.

Willing to accept trades. Potential adopters must have experience with trained attack-kittens; please be prepared to show scars.

For the love of God, someone please take this thing out of my house.

Commercial Of The Day: Barbie

Sort of.

A great clip from Ru.


Failed Cereal Brands Of The Day

Not real, of course, but the results of a Photoshop contest to create cereal brands that didn't make it. These are my favorites, but there are more on the Worth1000 site.

I'd probably at least try the KFC cereal.

SNL Clip Of The Day: Dissing Your Dog

It's a little slow out of the blocks but stick with it. You won't be sorry.

True Office Confessions Of The Day

I've wanted to post some of these for a long time, and Amy was kind enough to compile some good ones for me. Thanks, Aim.

All from and copied verbatim, typos and all. If you like these, they have thousands more.

Crazy: Can I borrow your scissors?
Me: Here you go.
Crazy: Can I borrow your mirror?
Me: Here you go.
Crazy proceeds to put mirror on corner of desk (mine) and
TRIM HER CHIN HAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Holy fuck why do I work here????

I would love to see my boss's face if she ever found out what I do in her office when she leaves for the day!

I am not wearing underwear today. I love being in the office and knowing this. Anything to make my day a little more exciting :)

Don't some women realize how their cleavage can be disruptive to my work day?

Dear DJ the customer service guy, sorry I cussed in your ear this morning. Signed, the church secretary

It is only 10 AM and I already had to go to the Men's Room to "release" some stress! I hate working around beautiful women in the hot weather!!

I have finally figured out what my English degree is good for - completing my bosses online literature homework. Nice.

To the new 23 year old in my office with the giant boobs hanging out every day.. do you think we don’t notice how you like to lean over the VP’s desk and give him an eyeful every time? Guest what we call you behind your back: the new whore. Welcome!

I know that I am sunburnt DUMBASSES!! Yes, I know there is this stuff called sun block. I had it on! DO not TOUCH ME, or you WILL draw back a BLOODY NUB... thank you ASSHATS

I hate this place so much that I lie about where I work

My fuckhead boss is constantly complaning that his office stinks. Maybe that’s because every time he leaves, I go in there and fart

My boss is out! But he'll manage to call 10,000 times and come in at 4:30 bcs he has NO life and wants to make sure all his little employees are working.. F off already! WE ARE WORKING BUT YOU MAKE IT IMPOSSIBLE TO GET ANYTHING DONE!

What an asshat! He's going to play golf, and I'm stuck here with his work too. A meteor needs to hit my boss, NOW! That'll mess up his fricken round of golf with his asshat cronies. This blows.

About six months I stopped up the women’s toilet with a huge poop after eating Mexican. I flushed and flushed but it wouldn’t budge- I guess I wiped too much. I stayed in the stall until the coast was clear and slipped out so no one saw me. Then the office manager asked me to call facilities to get it fixed! That poor janitor.

my boss is a total fucking asshole but he’s so hot that I would still fuck him if he asked. am I terrible?

I fucked the nice older lady who answers the phones up front at my office. she’s like everybody’s mom but I nailed her after the christmas party. We were both drunk. One of the best fucks ever. She rode me like a phreak! A real spinner at 55. I’m going back for more this weekend. maybe she’ll make me a sandwich and some soup too.

I am going to packing tape you to the break room wall.

I was mouthing *I hate you* to a woman in the bathroom while I was in the stall. I burped while mouthing it. Um. I said I hate you in a burp.

Look here skank nurse practitioner, everyone knows you are the world's biggest shit-stirrer. Calling other clinicians and trying to get them pissed at management and cause a mutiny is only going to bite you in the ass. We have all seen your HR file and are just waiting for you to mess up. You won't be able to keep your mouth shut for long!


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