Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Guest List: The Good, The Bad & The Ugly Third Movies

A great list from Phil at Felipe Beach, who was kind enough to let me to repost it here. Thanks, bro. Of course, I had to add my own two cents here and there (in italics).

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly “3rd” movies

As Hollywood has expanded and bloated over the years, so have the number of long-running movie series it produces. A movie series, I have decided, is defined by having at least three movies: by the third one, they are either trying to wrap up a storyline, or make a run at a cash-cow series.

It struck me recently that a lot of movie series either (a) never make it three installments, (b) make exactly three, but should have either stopped at two or gone to four, or (c) hit it out of the park with the third one. What follows, in no particular order, is my incomplete list of various “3rd” movies.


(ones that got it right)

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly (beautiful scenery, awesome soundtrack, and a final confrontation that defines “tension.”)

Trois Colours: Rouge (If you’ve never seen this landmark series, make a point of it. Beautiful stuff. Rouge is by far the most complex, but maybe the best)

Goldfinger (maybe the best of the bunch, and they got it on the third try. Go figure…) (One of the best Bonds for sure, but I prefer From Russia With Love)

Star Wars: Return of the Jedi (while not technically the third movie overall, it’s the original third, and that’s good enough for me. This movie defined all that was cool in my 4th grade existence) (I liked Empire Strikes Back better)

Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith (OK, here’s the true 3rd movie, which got way too much flack for how well it was done)

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (very fun film) (Yes, but it can't touch Raiders)

Lord of the Rings: the Return of the King (the series got better and better)

Rocky III (”Clubber, what’s your prediction for the fight?” “PAIN…”) (Can't go wrong with Hulk & Mr. T in the same movie)

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkiban (the first of the series to really turn dark)

Bourne Ultimatum (I haven’t seen it, but enough other people have vouched for it, so it’s in!) (I liked all three pretty much equally)

Army of Darkness (the only one of the Evil Dead series I really enjoyed)

Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome (not so much “good,” but I’m just glad they made it. Two go in, one comes out!) (Pales in comparison to The Road Warrior)

Spider-Man 3 (for its faults, which all mention later, it’s really a beautiful story of forgiveness. Plus, Peter Parker doing pelvic thrusts was pretty darn funny)

(it’s not so much that these are bad, they just could have been so much better…)

Spider-Man 3 (way too much movie crammed into 2 hours. Should have been two separate movies)

Superman III (the scrapyard Clark v. Superman fight was pretty cool…the rest was painful to watch)

Godfather III (speaking of painful: Sofia Copalla’s acting. Ouch.)

X-Men 3 (bit off way more than it could chew…) (I liked it)

Shrek the 3rd (recycled the same jokes from 1 & 2) (Ugh. Painful. And I loved the first two.)

Maxtrix: Revolutions (I don’t remember a thing from this movie. That’s usually a bad sign.) (One of these was enough for me)

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End (didn’t see it, but heard it wasn’t good)

(hardly worth the cyberspace it takes to mention them here…)

Back to the Future 3 (felt like a bad TV movie) (Agreed)

Rush Hour 3 (Justin told me it was terrible. Go take your disagreements to him…)(None of them are great)

Scary Movie 3 (many very satisfied 12-yr old boys after this one was made)

Austin Powers: Goldmember (again, those same 12-yr olds have reason to cheer)

Jaws 3-D (you know, there aren’t enough 3D movies anymore. Maybe this is why)

Leprechaun 3 (this movie exists?)

Escape from the Planet of the Apes (the first one without Charleton Heston, thus marking its transition to silly self-parody)

Pokemon 3 (God help us…)

Jason, Freddy, Michael, or other bad 80s horror series

Anything in the torture porn genre (Saw III, and an advance rejection of Hostel 3, which I read about online)

Any terrible semi-pornographic series (Porky’s and American Pie come to mind)

Commercial Of The Day: Hitachi Hulk

Whoa. They must pay big money in Japan. From CollegeGirl.


Support Groups Of The Day

Think no one understands you? Think there's no cure for what ails you? Think again. If you have issues, no matter how bizarre, there's probably a support group out there that deals with it. Like these... *

The Childhood Goat Trauma Foundation (link from Jessica)

Assholes Anonymous

12 Step Pagans

Lip Balm Anonymous

I Hate Clowns

Human Spontaneous Involuntary Invisibility (HSII)

Vulg-Anon: Vulgarity Anonymous
("It's been seven days since I said the word, 'fuck'. Oh no. Wait. That doesn't count, does it? Sonofabitch!")

Large Penis Support Group (a.k.a. Be Careful What You Wish For)

Cleptomaniacs & Shoplifters Anonymous
("Ok, who took the fucking coffee maker?")

Pathological Liars Anonymous
(the world's oldest and most respected support group, with over seven million registered members from every continent and nation in the world)

Windy Symptoms: Support For Excessive Flatulence & Burping

Clutterers Anonymous
("We admitted we were powerless over clutter...")

Alcoholics For Christ
("A toast.. to Jesus!")

Professional Artists Anonymous
(for those suffering from chronic unemployment)

Vampires Anonymous

Workaholics Anonymous
("Ralph couldn't make it tonight.. he got stuck at the office.. so Claude will lead tonight's meeting.")

* Some real, some fake


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