Thursday, May 8, 2008

Newspaper Ad Of The Day

From Sharp As A Marble, an ad for Sparkle Market in New Cumberland, West Virginia. Photoshop job? Not according to Sharp: "My wife works for (a company involved in the publication of newspapers in that area). This ad went out in the Weirton Daily Times a couple of years ago. I can attest to its validity."

Click for a larger view.


Unnecessary Quotation "Marks" Of The Day

Funny "stuff" from Bethany Keeley's Blog of "Unnecessary Quotations."

They mean "Snow" Creek. Do you see any?


They're not "appetizing." And you don't "order" them. We put old stuff out whenever we want to get rid of it.

"Overnight guest rooms available." At the inn. Imagine that.

What the "fuck"?

It's more like a bowl, really.

"Of the building. On the ground."

Wink, wink.

Foosball, actually. And it costs a dollar.

Roll down your window and yell "honk!"

New to you. We've had it for a week.

Ronnie changes his last name and party affiliation like he changes underwear.

I don't think Fran really means "please," do you?

Meaning that crazy homeless guy who thinks he's Jesus.

The quotations are used correctly here; I just love the passive aggression dripping off this sign.

If you can't find a "pro," call Coleen.

They aren't kidding.

Because a real "lady" wouldn't leave floaters... I mean, "remnants."

Unless you left it at home, in which case we'll take your word for it.

Robert calls himself an "artist." No one else does.

Jim and Robin make the best sign's!

But it doesn't specifically "exclude" them, either. If you want to pay for them, then they're "included." If you don't, they're "not included." Does that make "sense"?

10 Least Romantic Love Song Lyrics


10. John Mayer - "Your Body Is A Wonderland"

"One mile to every inch of
Your skin like porcelain
One pair of candy lips and
Your bubblegum tongue."

Jesus Christ, John. You almost had it, too. The cliches sort of worked for a little while, but then you decide to venture out into the land of uncharted metaphors, and the best you can come up with is bubblegum tongue?

9. Snoop Dogg - "I Wanna Fuck You"

"Grab you by your coat tail,
Take you to the motel, ho sale,
Don't tell, won't tell ...
If you pick me then ima pick on you,
D-o-double g and I'm here to put this dick on you."

Certainly not a conventional love song, but the goal is the same; Snoop just happens to be a little more direct about what he wants. Unfortunately, his strategy for accomplishing that goal involves telling her that he's going to kidnap her and take her to a "ho sale," which sounds less like romantic braggadocio, and more like a human rights crisis worthy of an international tribunal.

8. Emerson, Lake & Palmer - "Still...You Turn Me On"

"When you're buried in disguise,
By the dark glass on your eyes,
Though your flesh has crystallized;
Still ... you turn me on.
Every day a little sadder,
A little madder,
Someone get me a ladder."

We're not sure if it's the talk of rage that grows inside him each day, or the necrophiliac imagery of crystallized flesh, but by the time he gets to that last line, we can't help but wonder if the ladder is for the girl he keeps in the hole in his basement.

7. Jimmy Webb - "MacArthur Park"

"As we followed in the dance,
Between the parted pages and were pressed,
In love's hot, fevered iron,
Like a striped pair of pants."

Women have been compared to many things. Roses, honey and now a pair of striped pants. Not just any striped pants however, but a pair that is wrinkled, and thus needs to be ironed.

6. The Faces - "Stay With Me"

"Won't need too much pursuadin,'
I don't mean to sound degradin,'
But with a face like that you got nothin' to laugh about."

Rod Stewart making comments on someone else's looks? That's pretty rich, Roderick. It's a good rule of thumb that anything you could possibly say to a woman following the phrase, "I don't mean to sound degradin,' but ... " is good for a trip directly to dry-penis-ville.

5. Benny Mardones - "Into The Night"

"She's just 16 years old
Leave her alone, they say ... "

"They" being the police...

4. REO Speedwagon - "Keep On Loving You"

"You should've known by the tone of my voice, maybe
But you didn't listen
You played dead, but you never bled,
Instead you lay still in the grass, all coiled up and hissing"

This verse reads like bad poetry by a rageaholic husband from a Lifetime Channel movie. First he gets mad at her for not reading the tone of his voice correctly. Then the woman in question plays dead, presumably so he'll stop hitting her. But it's not REO Speedwagon's fault. He puts up with so much. Besides, REO Speedwagon only does it because he loves us so much.

3. Paul Anka - "You're Having My Baby"

"Havin' my baby
What a lovely way of sayin'
What you're thinkin' of me.
You're a woman in love,
and I love what's goin' through you.
The need inside you, I see it showin'
Do you feel it growin'?"

But enough about me, let's talk about me. Paul Anka finds out he knocked up his lady friend, and takes the opportunity to write a love song to himself.

2. The Turtles - "Elenore"

"Your looks intoxicate me,
Even though your folks hate me,
There's no one like you Elenore really,
Elenore gee I think you're swell,
And you really do me well,
You're my pride and joy, etcetera."

While certainly not the most offensive of the lyrics we've listed here, it is the laziest, and thus the most symptomatic of the way men fail at the whole romance thing. Etcetera may well be the least romantic word in the English language, as well as the least poetic. We'd venture a guess that Elenore wants a divorce, etc.

1. Prince - "Gett Off"

"Remind me of something James used to say,
'I like 'em fat,
I like 'em proud,
Ya gotta have a mother for me,'
Now move your big ass 'round this way so I can work on that zipper, baby
Cus, tonight you're a star--and I'm the big dipper"

Prince writes so many songs about sexing the ladies, one of them was bound to cross a line into the land of ball-kneeing idiocy. This verse violates one of the oldest laws of seduction: never comment on a girl's weight. Oh, and never refer to yourself as the big dipper.


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