Monday, May 5, 2008

Worst High School Essay Analogies

The worst analogies found in high school essays. Supposedly. I don't buy it. They're still funny, though.

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.

Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man."

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.

John and Mary had never met.
They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

Vid Of The Day: My Boyfriend

Another score from TheMovieGuru. From a British show called "Snuff Box," supposedly.


Group Of The Day

I just wanted to give a big LOTD shout-out to all the fine folks down at...

The American Cornhole Association

From their website:
The American Cornhole Association was established by a small group of dedicated Cornholers from the west side of Cincinnati, Ohio. It has grown over the years and, to the best of our knowledge, now represents the largest organized Cornhole/Corn Toss association in the United States.
I don't even want to know what corn toss is.

Edit: From Daisy, a song about cornholin'.


April Engrish Roundup

All photos from

Owies and boo-boos also welcome

It keeps taking me to the ground floor

"Ode To Going Commando" by John Donne-Lefthisdrawersathome

Even Napoleon Dynamite

It's there somewhere...

I guess that's one way to get it clean

Urine luck: we're open! Coming soon: mud baths.

It's hard to be manly with palm trees on your underwear

"I believe I can fry... "

Dairy comfort

Today only: a huge Fart blowout. All Farts must go!


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