Wednesday, December 31, 2008

10 Worst Celebrity Career Moves Of The Day (Or Ever)

From Maxim.com. The copy is theirs; my notes in italics.



10. Tom Selleck turning down the part of Indiana Jones.


Some say that the "Magnum, P.I." producers wouldn't release him from his contract to do the flick; others say that Selleck found Lassiter and High Road to China more to his liking. Either way, the lesson is clear: No matter how wondrous and munificent it may be, never, ever take career advice from your mustache. (This should be #1. I bet Selleck cringes every time an Indy movie comes out... except maybe the last one.)



9. Brian Dunkleman leaving American Idol after season one.

He reportedly found the show to be increasingly cruel, which means he agreed with our bleeding ears. His departure led to a string of unforeseen events, most notably Ryan Seacrest becoming the next Dick Clark. Dunkleman out, indeed. (Who? He's right, though, the show is cruel. That's why people love it.)



8. Chevy Chase bailing on Saturday Night Live after a season and a half.

Sure, he had a pretty good run immediately thereafter: Foul Play, Fletch, Caddyshack. But after falling out with his former SNL cronies, there was little chance he'd be considered for flicks like Ghostbusters. Additionally, while Chase might not have aged well, his poor decision-making sure ha: he reportedly turned down the role of Lester Burnham in American Beauty, which won Kevin Spacey an Oscar. (Chevy would not have won an Oscar. Chevy is a douchebag.)



7. Vince Vaughn playing Norman Bates in the remake of Psycho.

So you explode out of nowhere in Swingers, flashing more first-flick comedic chops than any funnyman not named Eddie Murphy. Your next move has to be something similarly giggle-worthy, right? Nope. You go the I'm-so-very-versatile route by smarming it up in a shot-for-shot remake of Psycho, with one of the few additions being a scene in which you work yourself into a masturbatory frenzy. (One of the most pointless movies ever made, but Vince's career survived.)



6. Alec Baldwin's career-long self-sabotage.

Where to begin? He ditches one of those rare gigs that keep on giving — as Jack Ryan in the Tom Clancy flicks — to star with future wife Kim Basinger in The Marrying Man (huh?) and then again after they were married in The Getaway (huh, who, wha, huh?). He evolves into a skilled, reliable character actor (The Cooler, The Aviator), then starts popping off against the vice president ("a lying, thieving oil whore and a murderer of the U.S. Constitution"). He reinvents himself as one of the most agile TV wits around, then leaves a voice mail in which he calls his daughter a "rude, thoughtless little pig." Is Baldwin trying to torpedo his career, or does it just come naturally to him? (Yes, he's a tool, but Alec is a funny mofo and doing fine. And he was right about Cheney.)



5. George Lucas and the Wachowski Brothers contracting a lethal case of sequelitis.

After the cinematic barbarism that was Star Wars: Episode 1—The Phantom Menace, Attack of the Clone-Eating Superbots, and Revenge of the Sith Sense and the disorienting double shot of The Matrix Reloaded and The Matrix Revolutions, savvy viewers discovered that the first three Star Wars flicks contain about 3.5 hours of watchable action (all of The Empire Strikes Back, the second half of Star Wars, a few bits of Return of the Jedi) and that the entire premise of The Matrix makes less sense than a Rosie O'Donnell blog post. (I feel obligated to point out that there are six Rocky movies.)



4. Michael Jordan ditching the Bulls to play minor league baseball.

Irrefutable proof that dumb jocks can be just as dumb as dumb actors and dumb singers and dumb dummies. As a hitter, Jordan was a terrific jump shooter. Urban legend has it that he wasn't even the best athlete on the Birmingham Barons, the minor league club for which he toiled for two spectacularly middling seasons. Ray Durham, then a freakishly fit prospect, was said to have outjumped MJ during a conditioning drill. (Yes, this was a career killer for MJ. Now he's only worth 100 kabillion instead of 120 kabillion, the poor bastard. Rumor has it that he only took this detour after being quietly suspended from the NBA for gambling.)



3. Ben Affleck not staging his own death after Good Will Hunting.

Think about it. Had Affleck disappeared under mysterious circumstances after Good Will Hunting charmed everyone and their mother, he'd be remembered as a promising screenwriter and quirky character actor. By living to make the likes of Daredevil and Jersey Girl, he reduced himself in our eyes to a bloated stooge prone to merging his on-screen and offscreen lives. It's tragic, really. (I honestly think people are too hard on poor Ben -- there are many more detestable actors out there -- but still, it's hard to work up much pity for anyone who's boffing Jen Garner.)



2. David Caruso bailing on NYPD Blue after its first season.

Brooding one-note loners with phosphorescent orange hair shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth. It's true, ask anyone. It's in the Bible somewhere. (He's doing ok on one of those CSI shows, but all he really does is take off his shades and deliver bad puns and one-liners.)



1. Shelley Long leaving "Cheers".

We know, we know—how could she possibly have turned down the ferociously droll Troop Beverly Hills, in which her not-at-all-like-Diane-Chambers character leads a bunch of spoiled twerps into the sticks? Sometimes a script shall not be denied, we suppose. (I don't think it mattered.)
.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

QOTD: New Year's Resolutions

It's almost time once again for the dreaded new year's resolutions.
Do you have any?
What are they?
Are they repeats from years prior?

Me, I gave up on resolutions long ago. Now I do new year's restitutions: I make a list of everyone who deserves a good beating, then I set forth to deliver those beatings in the new year. Of course, I'm at the top of the list, so I spend most of New Year's Day kicking myself in the ass, which sort of makes one go in a circle, so you could call that a new year's revolution as well.

Thanks, TotalBlammBlamm, for the idea.


I Lied

I said regular posts would resume this week. They will not. I'm getting my arse kicked with end of the year work + holidays -- as I'm sure you all are, too -- so posts will be sporadic this week -- maybe 2-3 a day versus the usual 6-8. Regular posts will definitely resume next week. Thanks for bearing with me.

Thanks also to everyone who bought gifts through my sponsors this month. A lot of you did, and I appreciate it, because it helps me put more time into LOTD, which makes me a happy camper.

Let me be the first to wish you all a great 2009. Hopefully we'll all get some of our 401(k) money back.

Cary

The World's Obscene Gestures Of The Day

Cheastypants suggested I make list of various obscene gestures from around the world that might equate to giving someone the finger in America. A great idea, and here's what I found. If you know of more, tell us.



THE FOREARM JERK (BRAS D'HONNEUR)
A bad idea in: France, southern Europe, the Mideast, the U.S.

You know this one: slap a hand down on the opposite bicep, then raise that arm into a fist. This macho combination of a gigantic erect penis and a threatening fist says, "Fuck off!" or "Up yours!" In France it is called the bras d'honneur, or arm of honor, which I suspect is meant to be sarcastic. I'm intuitive like that.




THE CORNA
A bad idea in: Spain, Portugal, the Baltics, Brazil, Colombia

"Rock 'n roll!"
"Hook 'em, Horns!"
"Your wife is a whore!"

Guess which one is the international translation? So even if you're a Texas Longhorn at a Dokken concert in Barcelona, you'd best keep your digits to yourself.




MOUTZA ("EAT SHIT")

A bad idea in: Greece, Pakistan and parts of Africa

An offensive display of an open palm, the moutza recalls the ancient Byzantine practice of thrusting shit in the faces of chained criminals as they were paraded around town. In modern Greece, any outward hand motion is deemed extremely offensive. They go as far as waving goodbye inwardly toward themselves like a beauty pageant queen in order to avoid an ass-whupping.




THE PALM-BACK V
A bad idea in: The UK, Australia, New Zealand, Italy

Like a peace sign, but backwards, in both execution and meaning. Raise two fingers in a "V" with your palm facing you to say, "up your ass" or "fuck off."
George Bush, Sr. famously gave the sign to Australians in 1992, thinking he was giving the peace sign. The "V" is also considered rude in Italy, especially if you place your nose between the two fingers to resemble a crude vagina... or your vagina between the two fingers to resemble a crude nose.




THE DONKEY RIDE
A bad idea in: Saudi Arabia

Not quite as simple as most obscene gestures, but if you are interested in losing your hands, here's how you do it: form an inverted V with your right index finger and thumb, then place them over your extended left index finger to say, "I'll ride you like a donkey." Here's hoping that is not meant in a sexual sense, because donkeys kick. Hard.




THUMBS-UP
A bad idea in: The Middle East, Russia, Greece, Sardinia, Western Africa, Latin America

It might mean "nice job" or "way to go" in America, but in many places abroad, the gesture invites the recipient(s) to "sit on my erect penis," which, believe it or not, many people find insulting. In southern Sardinia, where the gesture is particularly obscene, hitchhiking is discouraged. And in the Middle East, don't try any Fonzie impressions, since the double thumbs-up will unleash a jihad on your ass.




CONCHA

A bad idea in: Chile

Another delight from the Southern Hemisphere. Hold up a palm towards you and slightly curl the fingers to form the shape of a shell. Then say, "Concha de tu madre," which literally means, "Your mother's shell," but figuratively means, "Your mama's dried up, nasty cooch." Try it at a soccer game or protest rally, and let us know what happens.




THE FIG
A bad idea in: India, Turkey, Italy

Once a positive gesture wishing luck and fertility to the recipient, the Fig -- a fist with the thumb sticking up between the index and middle finger -- is now the equivalent of a bird in many fun countries like Turkey, where Midnight Express takes place.




UP YOUR ASS
A bad idea in: France

Take your middle finger and thrust it up into the curled up fist of your other hand, and you'll discover yet another way for the French to tell each other, "You take it up the ass," something they seem to say a lot over there. Hopefully they don't really take it up the ass as much as they say it.





THE CLOSED FIST
A bad idea in: Pakistan

A single raised, closed fist in Pakistan, like the bras d'honneur in France, means that the sender invites you take a hard phallus up into your rectum. You then have every right to raise both your closed fists and beat that person like a rented mule.





THE "OK"

A bad idea in: Brazil, Germany, some areas around the Mediterranean

What is "ok" to Americans is just "o" in some other countries, and that "o" represents an anus, which means you are calling the recipient an asshole. If you're trying to say, "Ok, asshole," then your message works just about anywhere in the world.




THE DOG CALL
A bad idea in: The Philippines

Know how in America we might signal someone to "come here" by curling an index finger toward ourselves repeatedly? Yeah. Don't do that in the Philippines, where it's a gesture fit only for dogs (who probably aren't wild about it, either) and can get you arrested at best and beaten like a dog at worst.




CUTIS
A bad idea in: India, Pakistan

The next time you're in India or Pakistan, take a fist with the thumb sticking out, then flick the thumbnail off your two front teeth as you say, "Cutta!" You've just told someone, "screw you and your family." Well done. Now run, motherfucker.




ANIMAL
A bad idea in: Japan

Japanese don't like Koreans. They call them "animals" by extending four fingers of one hand in another person's face. If I'm Korean, I'm grabbing those fingers with my fingers and bending them backwards until they snap, so that person won't be giving any animals for a while.

TAPITA
A bad idea in: Chile

If you know the "Little Bunny Foo-Foo" song, you can do the tapita. It's the same thing you do when you pick up field mice and bop them on the head: make an O with one hand and tap the top of that O with the other hand. It means "small cover," which doesn't sound all that insulting, but this is Chile, where people disappear for lesser infractions, so you don't want to screw around.

(Info from Ooze.com, LanguageTrainers.co.uk and Wikipedia)

Monday, December 29, 2008

Commercial Of The Day: Centrum

Strip poker is lame. That's right: lame. It's a great idea in theory, but lame in practice. Why? Because women always quit when it's time to take off anything vital. You could have eight guys wearing nothing but socks and a grin, and a woman won't even get down to her underwear. Please.

Or maybe I've just been playing with the wrong people.

Yuks from Andy and Sharon.


link

Celebrity Aptronyms Of The Day

Their names are their jobs. From a series of Photoshop contests on Worth1000.com.


Keira Knightley


Will Smith


Elton John


Tori Spelling


Patrick Stewart (steward)


Sigourney Weaver


Penelope Cruz


Orlando Bloom


Natalie Portman


Minnie Driver


Lucy Liu


Hugo Weaving


Edward Norton


Gary Coleman


Frank Zappa

Angry Movie Patron Of The Day

I have a new hero. I don't blame this guy at all. I've wanted to shoot people who talk or answer their goddamn phone in the movie, too. Inconsiderate people must die.

Benjamin Button is nearly three hours long. If any of this man's children are under 12 or 13, he deserved a bullet.

On the bright side, all of those involved were given a coupon for a free small popcorn on their next visit to Regal Cinemas. And, because I am a considerate guy, I called Mr. Lomax at home to tell him how the movie ends. I figure he probably won't be going to any more movies for a while.

POLICE: PA. MAN SHOT FOR MAKING NOISE DURING MOVIE

PHILADELPHIA – A man enraged by a noisy family sitting near him in a movie theater on Christmas night shot the father of the family in the arm, police said.


James Joseph Cialella, 29, of Philadelphia, faces six charges that include attempted murder and aggravated assault. He remained in custody Saturday.


Police said Cialella told the man's family to be quiet, then threw popcorn at the man's son. The victim, whom television reports identified as Woffard Lomax, told police that Cialella was walking toward his family when he stood up and was shot.


Detectives called to the United Artists Riverview Stadium theater in South Philadelphia found Cialella carrying the weapon, a .380-caliber handgun, in his waistband, police said. Lt. Frank Vanore called the incident "scary that it gets to that level of violence from being too noisy during a movie."


Lomax, 31, of Yeadon, was released from a hospital after the shooting. He declined to comment when contacted by phone Saturday. (He should've declined to comment in the movie theater. He might not be leaving a hospital now.)

Police could not confirm what movie was playing in the theater, but The Philadelphia Inquirer reported that it was The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.


By the way, production has already begun for the porno version of the movie, The Curious Face In Benjamin's Butthole.

Friday, December 26, 2008

Christmas Classic Of The Day: Scared Of Santa

A rerun from last year with some new additions from Mandy, Tracie and Shannon. Lots more of these HERE.

There's also a book, where most of these probably originated (link at bottom of post).

Regular posts resume Monday. Happy holidays!







































































LOTD fan Bree adds this one to the fun...



Now here's how you do it, boys and girls. You stare down the old fat man like LOTD reader and fellow Maconite, Blong.



Buy the book and support LOTD:




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