Friday, November 28, 2008

Craigslist Ad Of The Day: My Cat Sprayed Ass On Me

A Craigslist classic from 2005 about yet another problematic kitty. I think I'll stick with dogs.

My thanks to Christy for the link.

My Cat Sprayed Ass On Me

Reply to:
Date: Thu Feb 17 11:14:50 2005

This morning, I was assaulted by my cat in a way that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

My kitties and I have a morning routine that involves saying goodbye before I walk out the door. I was suited up, ready to go, and I walked over to my dresser to retrieve my keys.

As usual, my male kitty was lounging on the dresser, waiting for his goodbye scratches. He stood up to give me my usual nuzzle goodbye, and then the most unholy of acts took place.

The friendly feline stretched, and the force of his stretch caused his anal glands to express....all over my face and in my mouth.

Now, a little biology background for those of you who aren't in the know. Dogs and cats have these glands in their anus that get expressed, usually when they defecate. The smell is somewhat akin to rotting bodies that have been dry-rubbed with gorgonzola cheese and then spit-roasted over a pile of burning feces.


Plus, like all organic smells, it tends to bind to fabrics, which makes for a pleasant surprise when your cat rubs its butt on your sheets or couch. But, nothing compares to being sprayed full on in the face with this heinous slime.

At first I thought there was a drip coming from the ceiling. I looked up, puzzled, and then the smell and taste hit me like a ton of bricks. I stumbled blindly to the bathroom shouting, "I've been hit! I've been hit!, puked my breakfast up, and scrubbed my face, including my tongue, for 10 minutes. The smell was still there.

I called Michele in a panic and she suggested I called the vet. I threw up again, composed myself, and made the most embarrassing phone call of my life.

Me: "Um...hi. My cats are patients over by you and uhhh...ok. This is going to sound crazy. Heh. Never thought I would make a call like this. Long story short, my cat expressed his anal glands on my face and I can't get the smell off."

Receptionist:" Hmm. Um. Let me get one of the techs on the phone for you."

I was then passed along to about 4 people in the office to explain my story, all the while trying to ignore the howling laughter in the background.

The best they can come up with is for me to try rubbing vinegar on my face. Desperate, I try it out. After wincing through the sting and rinsing it off, I realize that I now smell like a delicious ass salad.

My face rapidly begins to dry out, making my skin feel tight and itchy. I slap some cream on and scream as the sting intensifies. Scrub, scrub, wash, wash. More panic ensues, and I hop on the horn to Michele once again.

I need to get to work, but I can't go out in public smelling like I bathed in eau de cat-ass, can I?

We decide to pull out the big guns, and my final attack on the funky face problem is to dab Febreeze on my face with a cotton swab. Sure, my face is blotchy and itchy from the chemical warfare it endured, but at least I smell predominantly like freshly washed laundry with a slight undertone of a tossed cat ass salad.

I am sure all of the odors will wear off eventually, but the mental anguish of unwanted anal play is sure to stick with me for a long while.

Annoying TV Ads Of The Day

A short list from of some of the most anger-provoking ads on TV right now. I will take this opportunity to reiterate my hatred for all commercials that feature Cockney lizards, sensitive cavemen, ass-wiping bears and creepy androids who peddle the same shitty sandwiches that helped them barf off 200 lbs.

Toyota, "Saved by Zero"

: Bad cover of a decent, yet marginal song. Plays at least once during every FOX commercial break, sometimes even three times in case you missed it.


(And speaking of the "Saved By Zero" campaign, check out this parody from Kelli T.)



Reason: Because while she feels safe in the backseat of Mel's livery cab, calling the number causes the Devil to leap from hell and swallow your soul.


Head On

Reason: Because the voiceover strives to be annoyingly repetitive when she's actually just reading the words already displayed on the screen.


Billy Mays - Mighty Putty, OxiClean, etc.

Reason: Because associating a Bob Vila lookalike to normally crappy products gives them cred?



Reason: Best line: "Made in Germany—you know the Germans make good stuff." Yeah, just like how they almost made a perfect race, amirite?


Reason: While it's hard to pick the worst of their five new commercials, we'd go with the overenunciating white rappers in the first one and the spelling idiot in the second.


Optimum Triple Play

: Because nothing screams, "Hey Hispanic aquatic creatures, get yer cable right here!" more than this.


TBS Pause Ads

: Interrupting any punch line, let alone one in Family Guy, isn't "very funny," just very lame, and one more reason not to watch this irrelevant cable net.



Black Friday Sponsor Pimpery Of The Day

It must be done. Lots of super deals from my great sponsors. All purchases support LOTD. Thank you.

Christmas at Inc.

Wendy Culpepper LLC

Apple Store

Fossil - Free Overnight Shipping

Thursday, November 27, 2008

QOTD: Thankful

What are you thankful for?

I could fill a week of posts on the things I'm fortunate and grateful to have in my life, but I'll keep it to four.

A loving and supportive wife who still laughs at my jokes and puts up with my crap after 23 years.

A child who thinks I hung the moon.

William Shatner's "Rocketman" video.

My LOTD readers who make this blog worth doing. Thank you for being here every day.

What are you thankful for? (And don't feel like you have to include LOTD in your list -- your visits here are all the thanks I need.)

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Holiday Links Of The Day

I'm on the road today, so in lieu of posts, I give you some happy fun links to get you through the day.

All you moms (and dads, too) need to check out Spiffy Moms, a great site from LOTD reader Brooke. I think you'll like it.

Kids' art recreated as photography. Very cool.

You need to see The Dorcus Collection from James Lileks. I only wish I were this funny. Link from my buddy, Blong.

The entire U.S. Census online. Who knew?

Souvenirs. A Flickr set from Jill.

Ever wonder what phone sex operators look like? Me neither, but the pics are interesting

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

SNL Clip Of The Day: Sproingo

I have a sound effect for Kristen Wiig.


Rerun Of The Day: America's Worst Movie Critic

(From last November. And Jeffrey Lyons runs a very close second.)

I've been seeing those commercials for Shrek The Third on DVD that say, "Critics call it the best Shrek yet!" They do? I've seen all three, and calling Shrek The Third "the best Shrek yet!" is
like calling Godfather 3 "the best Godfather yet."

So I started watching the spots to find out what kind of moron would actually say that, because I wanted to e-mail that person and ask them if they really do think that Shrek The Third is "the best Shrek yet," or if they just like seeing their name in print, because they know they'll be the only nimrod on the face of the planet that will say something that ludicrous?

In this case, the nimrod is
Pat Collins of WWOR-TV, and instead of e-mailing her, I decided to dig a little and find out what other universally loathed movies won her self-serving, flatulent praise. It was so much worse than I expected that I had to make a list of her keen observations, along with quotes from slightly more discerning critics for comparison.

Ms. Collins is not the only critic who loves every movie she's ever seen (hello, Jeffrey Lyons!), but someone has to take one for the team.

Pat Collins: "The best Shrek yet!"

Premiere: "
Whatever wit and charm were present in the original Shrek have long since vanished."

Village Voice: "Blinded by avarice, and all out of ideas."

San Diego Union-Tribune: "
Essentially the movie is saying to its loyal crowd: You bought this stuff before, now take it re-canned."

Pat Collins: "Truly amazing! You have never seen anything like it before!"

Roger Ebert: "Plot, character, dialogue and even your engagement all disappear into the Suck Zone." "Never before have I experienced a movie that blew it so badly." "I hate this movie."

Pat Collins: "The mother of all comedy events! Williams and Crystal are hilarious!"

Roger Ebert: "Brainless. This movie could have been written by a computer."

Austin Chronicle:
"I have visions of producers clucking to themselves about how Billy Crystal and Robin Williams were the stars of their movie and what more could anyone want?"
"Fathers' Day isn't just bad, it's awful."

Pat Collins: "Taxi is the year's funniest movie!"

Roger Ebert: "A lame-brained action comedy... wall-to-wall idiocy."

Los Angeles Times:
"Full of weak jokes and scenes so meandering they make Saturday Night Live look like a paragon of brevity and wit." "We have a winner! Taxi is officially the worst movie of 2004."

Pat Collins: "The best romantic comedy since Pretty Woman!"

BBC: "Bizarre. Mistakes asinine for amusing."

Orlando Sentinel: "
If you think that Jennifer Lopez showed poor judgment in planning to marry Ben Affleck, wait till you see Maid in Manhattan."

Philadelphia Weekly:
"An airless, prepackaged Julia Roberts wannabe that stinks so badly of hard-sell image-mongering that you'll wonder if Lopez's publicist should share screenwriting credit."

Pat Collins: "A heart-stopping, spine-chilling, adrenaline-pumping, run-for-your-life thriller!"

Roger Ebert: "A
shallow exercise... contains no substance or meaning."

Washington Post:
"A brightly wrapped, ketchup-drenched mush-burger. You leave with nothing, except possibly heartburn."

Apollo Guide: "With all the star-power at their disposal, this is the best they could do?"

Pat Collins: "The best Batman yet."

Austin Chronicle:
"Batman forever… and ever… and -- yawn -- ever."
"The plot has enough holes to drive the Batmobile, the Batplane, and the Batboat through."

Variety: "Hollow at its core."

Pat Collins: "This is the volcano movie to see!"

New York Times: "Numbing... exhausting... patronizing."

Roger Ebert:
"An absolutely standard, assembly-line undertaking. No wonder one of the extras is reading a paperback titled 'Screenwriting Made Easy'.''

Internet Reviews:"Even the dog should be embarrassed. Does Tommy Lee Jones need money this badly?"

Pat Collins: "Better than the first!"

The New York Times: "The fun is gone. Lazy, unresponsive, perfunctory."

"Confusing and endless action scenes."

Washington Post:
"The setup is the same, the characters are the same, even the jokes and some of the scenes are the same. The only difference is that nobody seems to be having much fun this time out -- the audience least of all."

Pat Collins: "Uproariously funny. It brings down the house!"

Variety: "A
retrograde affair, wallowing in the mustiest racial and political stereotypes."

New York Times
"Haphazard plotting and uninspired direction. A mess."

L.A. Weekly: "
Actor-screenwriter-director Chris Rock makes the kind of movies that Chris Rock the standup comedian slashes and burns in his live routines."

Pat Collins:"Two medal-winning performances in a go-for-the-gold love story!"

Roger Ebert: "There is essentially not an original moment in the entire film. This material is as old as primeval cinematic sludge."

Washington Post: "Hackneyed and feeble. Rocky on skates."

Pat Collins: "The best Weapon yet! A big winner."

Austin Chronicle:
"Riggs and Murtaugh now seem little more than stock characters who fall just short of caricatures -- Abbott and Costello in blue.

Rolling Stone:
"Mediocrity wielded by experts. It's not a movie, it's a machine. Why a third time? The first movie earned $65 million, and the second more than doubled that. End of discussion."

Pat Collins: "100% pure excitement. Visually stunning and refreshingly different."

Washington Post: "In a word, dullsville."

Movieline: "Soupy and derivative of all the wrong movies." "A bloody mess (in both artistry and gore), and extremely difficult to watch."

Pat Collins: "A must-see laugh-out-loud comedy! Hilariously funny."

New York Post: "Rock's second dud in a row as an actor-director. Screamingly unfunny."

Toronto Star:
"Saddled with an unfocused, cliché-ridden script, a tiresome voice-over narration that drones on and on, and acting by Rock that's as wooden as Pinocchio, I Think I Love My Wife staggers in predictable circles." "Not a funny movie. At all."

Pat Collins: "Val Kilmer is a sexy, seductive, sinfully good saint."

New York Times: "
Loud, frantic, ridiculously overproduced and featuring a preening performance by Val Kilmer. Matches Mission: Impossible in needless remaking." "A soulless piece of claptrap."

Pat Collins: "Hilarious! Just when you think it can’t get any funnier…it does." "Gratingly unfunny, mean-spirited flick."

New York Post: "The Farrelly Brothers have jumped the orifice."

Los Angeles Times:
"A grim, shrill, deluded and incredibly depressing movie, bewilderingly mean-spirited."

Pat Collins: "The best romance since Gone With The Wind!"

Roger Ebert: "
"A square peg pounded into a round hole. Not believable at all."

Austin Chronicle:
"There's no spark or chemistry."

"Hobbled with a meandering script, an erratic performance by Richard Gere, and an overbearing score by Danny Elfman."

Solved Mystery Of The Day: Beatles Chord

Interesting enough, I suppose, although I can't say I ever wondered.

When the Beatles recorded the unearthly crash chord that kicks “A Hard Day’s Night” into gear, they inadvertently posed one of rock’s great riddles: What notes were John, Paul, and George actually playing? The question’s stumped guitarists for 44 years — and now a mathematician-slash-guitarist named Jason Brown has solved it.

Interviews with the musicians themselves had led others to believe that the main chord — some sort of G, or perhaps an F or a D — was struck on George Harrison’s 12-string Rickenbacker electric, supplemented somehow by John Lennon’s 6-string Gibson acoustic and Paul McCartney’s iconic, violin-shaped Hofner bass.

But Brown used an algorithm called Fourier transform and concluded that those instruments couldn’t possibly have produced the frequencies that the Beatles’ producer, George Martin, captured on tape. A hunch and more testing led him toward the missing element — a nearly inaudible piano chord, most likely played by Martin himself, that duplicated several key guitar notes and added an F.

Brown, who sees math and music as two sides of a coin, says the discovery had a certain symmetry to it: As a boy, he’d heard the Beatles and traded his piano in for a 6-string. As a man, he hit upon the solution by reconsidering the keyboard.

Who says life can’t be as tidy as math?


Classic 70s Music Video Of The Day

You know you wanted to be a Solid Gold Dancer.


The 8 Phases Of Dating Of The Day

An illustrated list from and Julie M. I would add The Non-Stop Monkey Sex Phase, which is between The Exciting Phase and The Comfortable Phase. You know what I'm talkin' 'bout, heh.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Vid Of The Day: HTFU (NSFW)

Good advice from former felon turned crime novelist, singer and Australian TV personality, Mark "Chopper" Read. (NSFW - language.)


Motivational Posters Of The Day, Vol. 8

Another fine batch, courtesy of Blong, Prairie Girl and Angela S.


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