Saturday, August 30, 2008

World's Weirdest Urinals Of The Day

From Spinderfella, who likes to pee. A couple of these are semi-unsafe for work.








Probably at a Hooters








At a brewery. I'd be afraid to drink the beer there after seeing this.


Women's urinal at Texas A&M University.


At a penthouse bar in a Hong Kong skyscraper. They give the illusion that you're peeing down on the city.


International Space Station. Taking a whiz in zero gravity can be a challenge. NASA explains how it is accomplished: "First the user sits down on the toilet, then pulls up the railings and turns them inwards so they are over the legs, holding user to seat. He/she then straps feet to platforms with velcro. User must use hands to direct urine spray into funnel inside toilet (not shown) so that it will not escape."


Airport - Stockholm, Sweden




WTF?!






The two flower urinals above were sculpted by artist Clark Sorensen. Each is created by hand from high fire porcelain, the same material as commercially available fixtures, and takes nearly a year to complete.


Ladies' restroom at Dairy Queen in Port Charlotte, Florida. Notable only for the rare appearance of the She-inal, the odd funnel-like device designed to let women pee standing up like men. The only problem -- unless you like crabs or chlamydia -- was that the device required physical contact between the user and the cup.

Comedy.com Links Of The Day

Humor from my friends at Comedy.com.

The 12 Worst People That Are Always On Your Flight

How To Make A Hot Girl Laugh: All-Star Chest Edition

The World's Most Honest Fat Kid

Why Won't Somebody Give Jennifer Aniston A Baby?

The Greatest Unintentionally Hilarious B-Movie Scene Of All Time

Friday, August 29, 2008

Vids Of The Day: Barack Roll

For entertainment value, not a political debate. Thank you.

From Steve Hatchett, who -- unlike me -- loves politics.


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Restaurant Of The Day

I think I found my good meal for the weekend. I've been jonesin' some oxtails and gizzards. WTF?

My granddad liked fried chicken gizzards -- I think. He let me taste one once. It looked little a little fried turd. Tasted like one, too.
He laughed when I spat it out. Maybe it was all a big joke. I hope so.

QOTD: If I Do Two Things This Weekend...

They will be.. what?

Mine:

1. Eat a decent meal. I've been eating crap for what seems like a month now. I need something that doesn't come in, or from, a box.

2. Go to a movie. A grown-up movie. Something without a horse, orphan, talking car or dancing rodent. There better be something worth a shit out there to see.

Your turn.

Vid Of The Day: Mattress Salesman

Dumbass.


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31 Steps To A Better Sex Life

I'm only listing 12 (and shortening those). Check the article at Reader's Digest online for all 31. The copy is theirs but I touched it up a bit.

Your mom probably never told you this, but it's true: Sex is good for you! (Nope, Mom forgot to mention it.) Plenty of studies show it: Regular sex increases immunity from viruses, relieves stress, and even helps protect the health of a man's prostate gland by emptying fluids held there (eww). It also triggers the release of chemicals that improve mood and ease pain.

1. Have sex tonight! Having intercourse regularly helps to keep your sex drive in high gear by increasing the production of testosterone, which is the hormone mainly responsible for libido in men and (moustaches on) women.

4. Spend tonight planning a steamy vacation. Even if you don't go, spending time together looking at porn photos on the Web and imagining yourself in some tropical paradise (where women sunbathe naked) will be enough of a libido booster to get you to bed -- early.

5. Women: Practice Kegel exercises. They're the (fart-suppressing) squeezing exercises your doctor told you to do after pregnancy or because you were having a bit of a problem with leaking urine. What (your crappy HMO) Doc probably didn't tell you is that they're also great for strengthening the pubococcygeus muscle, essential for orgasm.

6. Men: Start taking supplements of ginkgo biloba every day. The herb promotes better blood flow, getting more blood to the brain and...other organs. (Such as the PENIS. I don't know why they're afraid to say PENIS.)

11. When you're at a party or out in public with your partner, take a moment to stare at him/her across the room as if to say, can we get the fuck out of here? you were still wooing one another. Sex falls out of a relationship when you take one another's presence for granted. So don't!

14. Open your eyes when you kiss and when you are, um, intimate (i.e. HAVING SEX). Looking into your partner's eyes during such times sends an incredible message of trust and honesty.

15. Say exactly what's on your mind -- sexually, that is. If you're watching your husband (")pull out the tree stump(") in the backyard and you get a certain weakness in your legs watching the sweat roll off (the zits on) his back, tell him. Simply expressing how everyday things make you feel deepens your intimacy when said out loud.

17. Create your own intimate rituals. No, we're not talking about sex. But what about waking him up with a steaming cup of coffee (poured on his head) instead of the alarm every morning? What about having a hot (urine) bath ready for her in the evening? Or massaging her feet while you watch a DVD with a big bowl of popcorn (that you eat with your nasty feet-germ covered hands?).

20. Go away for a couple of days -- by yourself. While you're away, make a list of all the things you love about being away from your partner. Close your eyes and picture yourself making love (to a celebrity). By the time you get home, you'll be so greedy for anyone each other that the front hall will look like a king-size mattress.

23. Spend an hour with your partner touching every part of his/her body -- but you can't use your hands. Use other parts of your body (such as THE PENIS) instead. Conversely, caress one another only with your hands touching every part of the body except the genital zones. This can remove any pressure you might feel to "get right to it" (i.e. last longer than 17 seconds) after a hectic day on the job.

25. Stop at one (or two) drinks at the most. A small amount of alcohol can set the mood; more can drown the flame of desire, or lessen your ability to see your desire through (a.k.a. "WHISKEY DICK").

29. Tell your partner two things you love about him/her every day (or one, if you can't think of two). Love, affection, and mutual respect are the bases for a steamy sex life.

Vids Of The Day: Dragon Boy

An oldie but woody goody from The Courteous Chihuahua.


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Thursday, August 28, 2008

Commercials Of The Day: Snickers

"What's your prediction for the fight, Clubber?"
"Pain."


Many thanks to Heder and Steve Hatchett for these.

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Top 25 Movie Villains Of The Day

I started not to post this list. You have to question the credibility of a villains list that has room for Gene Hackman's Lex Luthor and Auric Goldfinger and but not Keyser Soze, Norman Bates, Scarface, Eve Harrington, Mr. Potter, Gollum, Amon Goeth, Magneto, Noah Cross or Brad Wesley from Road House. Still - I like a lot of their picks, and a little controversy never hurts. From Moviefone.com


25. Agent Smith - The Matrix (1999)
Played by: Hugo Weaving

Agent Smith, voice dripping with disdain, eyes covered with his trademark shades, is the "muscle" of the Matrix and Neo's (Keanu Reeves) indefatigable foe. Intent on erasing Neo and obliterating the Zion warriors, Smith can replicate himself into the hundreds and thousands -- a virtual army with superhuman martial arts skills to boot.


24. Khan Noonien Singh - Star Trek: The Wrath Of Khan (1982)
Played by: Ricardo Montalban

A vestige of Earth's late 20th-century eugenics wars, superman Khan has a super ego to match. Banished to a deserted planet in an episode of the 'Star Trek' TV series, Khan seeks revenge on the man who imprisoned him, his nemesis: Capt. James T. Kirk.


23. Frank Booth - Blue Velvet (1986)
Played by: Dennis Hopper

Crime kingpin of Lumberton, N.C., Booth never met a form of depravity that he didn't like. His kinky sexual affinities include huffing gas, erotic asphyxiation, sadomasochism ... and those are just the ones we can print. Throw in mutilation, kidnapping and murder and you've got one well-rounded (if not well-grounded) sociopath.


22. Cruella de Vil - 101 Dalmatians (1961)
Voiced by: Betty Lou Gerson

Her name (an amalgam of cruel and devil) sums up this crazed old bag who steals puppies with an eye to weaving their fur into ... gulp! ... coats. A monstrous fashionista, Cruella looms large in the pantheon of animated villains. As the song goes: "Cruella De Vil, Cruella De Vil, if she doesn't scare you, no evil thing will."


21. Alonzo Harris - Training Day (2001)
Played by: Denzel Washington

Over the course of a single day, rogue narcotics agent Harris "evaluates" a rookie (Ethan Hawke) and subjects him to a litany of depredations and humiliations that end in extortion and murder. Washington won a Best Actor Oscar in the role of a streetwise cop on the make who can't distinguish between good and evil anymore.


20. Lex Luthor - Superman (1978)
Played by: Gene Hackman

"Greatest Criminal Mind of Our Time" Luthor plans an uber real-estate swindle when he purchases thousands of miles of worthless Nevada desert intending to detonate a nuke in California's San Andreas Fault and voila! ... instant invaluable "coastline." Hackman's peevish, droll turn as the ultimate robber baron is hilarious.


19. Joan Crawford - Mommie Dearest (1981)
Played by: Faye Dunaway

Dunaway chews more scenery than Secretariat ("No. More. Wire. Hangers!" ring a bell?) and keeps daughter Christina in such a state of abject terror in this camp classic that it's hard to believe the angelic child ever had the strength, years later, to write a dishy, tell-all memoir. Talk about payback.


18. T-1000 - Terminator 2 (1991)
Played by: Robert Patrick

Ah-nuld's original Terminator gets all the glory, but it's Patrick's T-1000, a prototype model made of shape-shifting liquid metal, that truly terrorizes. This homicidal robot is the ultimate hit man who won't stop until his mission (to kill resistance leader John Connor) is completed or he ends up on the scrap heap -- whichever comes first.


17. Dr. Christian Szell - Marathon Man (1976)
Played by: Laurence Olivier

Ex-Nazi concentration camp dentist Szell (in a role inspired by the infamous Dr. Mengele) uses a variety of drills, probes and picks to get to the, um, root of the matter when torturing Dustin Hoffman on whether "it's safe" to retrieve his horde of diamonds at a Manhattan bank. Pass the Novocaine, please.


16. Annie Wilkes - Misery (1990)
Played by: Kathy Bates

Wilkes, the unhinged groupie of a famous writer (James Caan), kidnaps her favorite author and heaves a mallet to his ankles like she's A-Rod swinging for the fences. It's part of her mentoring campaign to get him to finish the latest installment of the exploits of her favorite heroine. God help the book club this woman joins.


15. Tom Powers - Public Enemy (1931)
Played by: James Cagney

Presaging Pacino's Scarface by about six decades, Cagney, as a Prohibition-era hoodlum, rises fast in the gangland ranks by being more ruthless than any of his rivals. When he's not slamming half a grapefruit into girlfriend Mae Clarke's face, he's grabbing all he can get in this granddaddy of all gangster movies.

14. (skipped - spoiler)


13. Freddy Krueger - A Nightmare On Elm Street (1984)
Played by: Robert Englund

Child murderer Krueger was burned alive by vengeful parents when he was sprung from prison on a technicality. Years later he returns to haunt local teens in their dreams (and kill in the "real world"). With razor-sharp knives for fingers, he's a malicious Edward Scissorhands.


12. Michael Myers - Halloween (1978)
Played by: Tony Moran

Donning a latex mask (modeled on William Shatner's likeness), man of no words Michael Myers returns to Haddonfield after a 20-year layover in a mental institution for slicing and dicing his sister. Trouble is, this immutable berserker isn't exactly cured. So begins a rampage that spawned a franchise as big as its body count.


11. Harry Powell - Night Of The Hunter (1955)
Played by: Robert Mitchum

A psychotic preacher with the words "love" and "hate" tattooed on his knuckles pursues a couple of kids who hold the key to some stolen bank loot. When not spouting Bible verse, Mitchum menaces with a cool detachment that gets more ominous as the film (which influenced the Coen Brothers and Martin Scorsese) progresses.


10. Queen - Snow White & The Seven Dwarves (1937)
Voiced by: Lucille La Verne

In Disney's first full-length animated 'toon, the narcissistic queen covets the title of "fairest in the land," held by her virginal stepdaughter, Snow White. She'll go to any length -- to remove Snow from the competition, becoming the iconic evil stepmother in the process.


9. Max Cady - Cape Fear (1991)
Played by: Robert De Niro

De Niro's take on a redneck illiterate who swears vengeance on his attorney (Nick Nolte) is an homage to Robert Mitchum's version in the '62 original but beats him in badness by sheer physicality -- his Cady is an amped-up, tattooed terror who brutalizes Nolte's legal clerk (Illeana Douglas) ... and likes it.


8. Hans Gruber - Die Hard (1988)
Played by: Alan Rickman

Terrorist Gruber and his money-grubing, er ... grubbing, henchmen seize the Nakatomi Tower in downtown L.A. and take hostages. It's all part of an elaborate feint to swipe millions in negotiable bearer bonds. Hardly a driven ideologue, Gruber's prosaic American dream is to cash in and be "on a beach earning 20 percent."


7. Anton Chigurh - No Country For Old Men (2007)
Played by: Javier Bardem

A hit man with an unpronounceable name and a pageboy hairdo doesn't seem much of a threat, but this homicidal Moe Howard is nobody's stooge -- victims live or die on his coin toss. Bardem won a Best Supporting Actor Oscar as a mercenary who follows his own inscrutable code; woe betide anyone who gets in his way.


6. Auric Goldfinger - Goldfinger (1964)
Played by: Gert Frobe

Don't let his roly-poly look fool you: Goldfinger is a stone-cold killer with just one thought in mind -- to pull off the greatest bank caper in history by irradiating the U.S. gold reserve so that his own gold cache will skyrocket in value. All that stands between him and cashing in is James Bond, who is neither shaken nor stirred at the prospect.


5. Joker - The Dark Knight (2008)
Played by: Heath Ledger

Less cartoonish than 'Batman' villains past, Ledger's Joker is the darkest element of 'The Dark Knight.' He says he's the "better class of criminal" Gotham deserves -- and the caked-on clown makeup and disheveled appearance only add to Ledger's brilliantly disturbing portrayal ... sadly, the last role he completed before his untimely death.


4. Hannibal Lecter - The Silence Of The Lambs (1991)
Played by: Anthony Hopkins

Not the guy you want to invite to dinner, Hannibal "The Cannibal" has a gruesome definitation of haute cuisine. 'Silence' won five Oscars, including a Best Actor nod for Hopkins as the cagy psychopath who, though in stir, always seems to be one step ahead of the Feds.


3. Wicked Witch Of The West - The Wizard Of Oz (1939)
Played by: Margaret Hamilton

As Dorothy Gale's (Judy Garland) arch enemy, the Wicked Witch was evil incarnate and gave generations of American kids nightmares. From her army of flying monkeys to her wickedly gleeful cackle, this is still the scariest character you'll find in a "family-friendly" film.


2. Darth Vader - Star Wars series (1977-2005)
Played by: James Earl Jones, Hayden Christensen

Vader succumbed to the allure of the Dark Side and became the face of evil in a galaxy far, far away. Jones' stentorian baritone adds gravitas to Vader's prodigious lightsaber skills, which he used to lop off his son's hand. Christensen's younger version isn't as iconic, but he did slaughter a houseful of future Jedis.


1. Lord Valdemort - Harry Potter series (2005-2007)
Played by: Ralph Fiennes

He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named is the most powerful dark wizard to ever wave a wand, and he schemes to enslave the whole muggle world. His slithering presence has been minimal in the films so far, but we've all read the books, so we know how much more evil he'll become.

Classic Music Video Of The Day

Ever get the feeling the artists didn't really want to do a video?


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They look like they slept in their clothes after a late-night screening of Rocky Horror, then were awakened by the limo driver banging on the door and -- still drunk from the night before -- went directly to the studio without even brushing their rock star shag do's. Except Hall might've stopped for a pack of Lucky Strikes and a 12 oz. shot of Hair Of The Dog.

Vid Of The Day: Bruce Lee Wannabe

Alcohol is a helluva drug.


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Ridiculous Black Metal Band Photos Of The Day

A link from Kurt. Commentary by Mike at RuthlessReviews.com, and my hat is off to him, because how do you pick the most ridiculous pictures from an entire genre of ridiculousness? How do any of these trolls look in the mirror without bursting into hysterical laughter?

Wow! Look at these guys! Does the guy on the left have spikes coming out of his fucking back? And what’s with the meat hook? Is that Cher on the right? I think they’ve all got something planned for the little guy, and it involves those chains, a studded belt, a bottle of lube, and that rusty meat hook.


Man, Horgh is just flat out tubby. That gut-guard is about to burst, and when it does, watch out for a lethal barrage of flying metal studs. And what on earth is Abbath doing? It looks like he’s about to be hit by a bus and Horgh, unable to rescue him, is on the sidewalk screaming, “Nooooooooo….”


Look everyone, it’s Rob Darken, the black metal Mongolian warlord with pirate boots! Where's your parrot, Genghis?


This is the most angst-ridden, irritable bowel grimace I’ve ever seen. Is that a cold sore on his lip? Oral herpes? The microphone is clearly a homage to the mighty phallus. Instead of preparing for a blood-curdling banshee wail, he's actually going to plunge the faux-cock directly into the hole of his fishnet Spider-Man shirt in a gesture of unrepentant homoeroticism.


IT (Abruptum/Ophthalamia) is Swedish, but since when does Sweden have Indians? He looks like a fuckin' black metal Comanche! Or better yet, John Rambo. After all, he's in a cave with a large hunting knife, but by the way that thing is glowing, you'd think Orcs were near. Go, black metal Frodo, go!


Rock out with your cock out!! This photo encapsulates the best of what black metal has given us over the years. The poor guy’s tiny little cock n’ balls ripped through his pants, yet in the true spirit of evil, he just kept on rockin’. And why shouldn’t he? Forget the spikes and chains because your cock is as metal as it gets.


Just when you thought the black metal pics couldn't get more ridiculous, Abbath unzips his fucking pants! What the F?! Apparently, he did the entire photo shoot with his fly down. I mean, the ax is bad enough, but this just flat-out destroys the attempt to be evil.


Wait a minute, since when was it cool to have a gimp in your band!? And a gimp with shitty homemade armbands to boot. Do these guys work at a hardware store?


Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit! Vrangsinn got back! My eyes! That is the flabbiest, cottage-cheesiest abomination of the flesh I have ever witnessed. Only Satan himself knows what foul contents have been purged from those unholy haunches, especially after night of drinking cheap beer. And what the hell is the other guy doing?


I’ve never seen anyone in the black metal world make as many annoying faces as Galder. Whether it’s on or off the stage, he is perpetually making a fool of himself by grinning, snarling, pursing his lips, sticking his tongue out, or widening his eyes. It’s as if he’s in a constant state of surprise.


The bald guy makes this picture, hands down. This is some seriously shoddy corpse paint on everybody, especially for a photo shoot. Look at the bald guy. Just look at him! Is that supposed to be intimidating? He looks like a kabuki dinner theater reject.


Damn right these guys look old. They're all bald! Apparently, it's OK to be bald if you're in a black metal band, because bald means you are evil. But dude - don't wear your own band's t-shirt to the fucking photo shoot. That's just lame.


Wait, are those suspenders? You gotta be kidding me. And he's carrying a scythe. Of course. He's a fucking black metal farmer!

Fenriz (Darkthrone) is probably the most dramatic of all black metalers. In every photo, he's either kneeling in the woods, got his arms outstretched, or is looking into the sky, no doubt cursing Jesus for not giving him enough money to record a decent album.


What's with the stuffed buzzard? C'mon, guys, you're not fooling anyone. And Frost's homemade arm bands complete with 10" carpentry nails. Seriously, it looks like he got the business end of a porcupine.


Is this a new WWF tag team? Horgh looks like he's ready to swan-dive off the turnbuckle. And what is that leather guard holding his gut in? He's been drinking too much Smirnoff Ice. Abbath looks like he just saw the fucking boogeyman and doesn't know whether to run or shit his pants.


Maniac's new pseudo-mullet hairdo is anything but metal; he looks older than my fucking dad. And that Shredder-style, spiked armguard with a pig’s head impaled on it might be the lamest black metal prop ever. Did he do the entire show with that on his hand? Also, nice pants asshole. Old Navy was having a sale?

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